


Heart Of A Man

by Annie_Is_A_Contranym



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Bucket List, Deceased Sam, M/M, Organ Donation, organ transplant
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-12-23
Updated: 2013-12-23
Packaged: 2018-01-05 19:04:42
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 37,215
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1097538
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Annie_Is_A_Contranym/pseuds/Annie_Is_A_Contranym
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Castiel, the recipient of Sam's heart, starts up a relationship with Dean in an effort to know his donor. What happens when Dean, who hasn't been coping well with his brother's death, finds out?</p>
            </blockquote>





	Heart Of A Man

**Author's Note:**

> This is a repost of a story I had posted elsewhere. Hope you like it.

Title: **Heart Of A Man**  
  
  


* * *

**Chapter 1:**

* * *

There was something wildly exhilarating about being outdoors by yourself after a lifetime of being stuck indoors with someone hovering over you. Castiel did not even mind that the day was cool, overcast and just a little bit windy. He also did not mind that he was currently standing in the middle of a cemetery. If someone had told him that on that day at that time, he'd be in this particular cemetery, it would not have been a far stretch to think that he'd be there below ground rather than above it. Congenital Heart Defect was a term that covered a multitude of short comings. Having been born with a faulty heart, Castiel had spent most of his childhood watching everyone around him live, without living himself. He couldn't play or run; his time in a hospital room was significantly more than his time spent in a school room. Up until six months ago he was never able to go anywhere by himself. Up until eight months ago he didn't think he'd still be alive today.

He looked down at the marble tombstone and gently dragged his fingertips along the top ridge. Sam Winchester died when he was 26 years old. He'd lived two years longer than Castiel who was 24 and because Sam had died, Castiel would live to see his 26th year and possibly many more years beyond that. He wondered what he was like, this young man whose heart beat within his chest. What did he look like? What were his dreams? Did he have people who loved him? Family? A lover? There were so many questions he had about the young man who had given him the most important gift he'd ever received. He wondered if they'd have been friends if they had ever had the chance to meet.

He knelt next to the grave and said,

"Hello Sam Winchester. I just wanted to say thank you…..for everything."

Castiel faltered, emotion choking him, preventing him from getting the words out. One hand traced the ridge of the scar that ran down the length of his chest beneath his clothes and the other traced the carving that gave the barest information about Sam Winchester – the year that he was born, the year that he died, that he was a son and he was a brother. _They forgot hero_ , he thought. Sam Winchester simply by checking the tiny box indicating he was an organ donor was the biggest hero that Castiel would ever know. He was a bloody super hero! _People should know this_ , he thought. _Why don't people know?_ Why did he have to bribe and call in favours to find out just his saviour's name? It wasn't right.

His eyes blurred over with unshed tears and perhaps that's why he gasped out loud. He didn't see the young man approach. He only heard his voice.

"Did you know him?"

Castiel jumped to his feet, blinking away his tears. Vision cleared, he could see the young green eyed man who'd come up to him. Castiel's breath deserted him. This young man was stunningly handsome. He was beautiful in a rugged way. Short dirty blonde hair, a smattering of freckles splashed across his face and a jaw line that looked as if it was carved with a chisel. Castiel's voice went the way of his breath. He opened his mouth but the only thing that came out was "Huh?"

The guy smiled at him.

"My brother….Sam….did you know him?"

Castiel was awed. _This was Sam Winchester's brother_. Did Sam look like him? Would it be rude to ask about Sam? Would he even consider talking with Castiel, a stranger, about his brother? He shook his head in response to the brother.

"Um….no. I was just touched by how young he was. I was thinking how little a tombstone says about us and wondered about his life."

The brother gave a wistful smile and glanced at the grave. So many emotions ran across his face but Castiel with his limited life experience was unable to decipher any of them with one exception. _Love._ He could read the love this man had for his brother. It was the same look he'd seen on his family's faces as they gazed upon him whilst he lay so many countless hours in a hospital bed hooked up to machines. It was love mixed with pain and despair but it was love. The brother walked over to the other side of the grave and he too put his hand on the headstone, softly rubbing the cold stone with his finger pads; caressing it as it were. Watching him, Castiel realized that his own hand was still on the stone and quickly pulled his hand back as if he'd been caught intruding or trespassing.

For a moment the brother looked at the headstone in silence, lost in his memories perhaps and Castiel considered his next actions. He should leave. He should give the brother his time here and leave the grave. He could always come back another time when he was certain he wouldn't be disturbing anyone or be disturbed by anyone himself. He was about to excuse himself politely when the brother suddenly looked at him with a half-smile.

"He was the greatest kid ever."

Castiel didn’t know what to response to give so he gave none. He smiled hesitantly which the brother must have taken for some sort of encouragement because he continued.

"For years it was just the two of us, you know?" The brother bit his lip. "Now it's just me."

Castiel wondered why it was just the two of them. This guy couldn't have been much older. He looked like he was still in his twenties. At most he could have been maybe thirty years old. So where was the rest of their family? Why were they alone? So many questions he had. Did he have the courage to find out?

"When we were kids, he would hang on my every word. Well he did until he learnt more words than I knew. I think that was around the time he was eleven or so. Kid was a freaking genius; Full ride at Stanford. He was going to be a lawyer. He was going to make a change. Poor sap actually thought he could make this world better, safer."

The brother's eyes were fixed firmly on the plot of land where his reason for living lay dead in the ground when suddenly he seemed to remember Castiel's presence. He shook himself out of his musings and put on an obviously false smile as he turned to Castiel.

"Dude, I'm sorry. It's just …I guess it was nice to be able to talk about him out loud."

Castiel tilted his head to peer at the brother as if the right angle to his gaze would allow him access to this man's soul. For some reason he felt compelled to know this man's soul. The brother returned his gaze, seemingly as lost in Castiel's eyes as Castiel was lost in his. They stayed this way in silence until a car horn honking in the distance startled them both back to reality.

Castiel knew he couldn't just walk away. He bolstered his courage.

"My..my name is Castiel." He rushed out. "Castiel Novak. I apologize if this comes across as creepy or makes you uncomfortable but I have an unusual request. If you are willing, I'd like to invite you to lunch. I would like very much to know more about your brother and would welcome the chance to hear some of your stories about him."

The sudden anger that flashed across the brother's face took Castiel by surprise.

"What is this?" the brother sneered. "Some kind of pity date? You think I need to talk my feelings out and you're offering yourself up as amateur therapist?"

Castiel, feeling awkward and unsure turned abruptly and began to walk away. He didn't know how to deal with regular human interaction, far less these complicated emotional exchanges. Avoidance was the best course of action so it was best if he left. Only he didn't. After a couple steps, he surprised himself and the brother by turning around.

"I'm not good with people's feelings. I wouldn't know how to deal with yours. I'm…I'm not the most socially adjusted individual. "

Castiel looked at the ground as he spoke.

"I…ummm…recently came out of the hospital after a very lengthy stay. I just can't help but think that it could have been me in there. It could have been me instead of your brother and it made me wonder about him. Who he was, what he was like; what his dreams were. I've never had dreams. It didn't make sense to have them if I wasn't going to be around. So I wonder how he lived, how he died and about everything else in his life. I am sorry I made you uncomfortable. I'll leave now."

At that, he turned and began to walk away again. The brother stopped him with a hand on his arm.

"It's cool. I...umm… know a diner not far from here. You said your name's Cas, right?"

_Castiel. My name is Castiel,_ he thought, _but 'Cas' sounds good. I like 'Cas'_. Castiel smiled and nodded.

The brother nodded back and extended his hand to Castiel. Castiel shook it.

"Okay then Cas," the brother said, "Let's go grab a bite. My name's Dean by the way. Dean Winchester."

Castiel smiled. "Hello Dean."

* * *

**Chapter 2:**

* * *

 Dean looked at the man sitting in his living room. This was the fourth time he was meeting with Cas since that day at the cemetery. He couldn't help but smile thinking back to the trip to the diner afterwards. This guy was like a kid sometimes. He'd talked Cas into trying a bit of his bacon cheeseburger and Cas's face had lit up like it was better than having sex.

"These make me so happy" he'd said as his eyes rolled heavenwards.

Cas had never had a burger before. He had some sort of vague illness for most of his life so his family were all health freaks like Sam.

_Sam._

There was a physical pain in his chest every time he thought of his younger brother. Damn how he missed him. The anniversary of his death was a few months away and truth be told Dean was glad to have this odd friendship with Cas to help him through it.

It was weird and at the same time a relief the way Cas seemed to want to know every aspect of Sam's life. He pored over pictures, asked a million questions and his face got animated with interest every time Dean so much as mentioned Sam's name. It was creepy. It was great.

Talking about Sam helped bridge the distance he felt between him and his memories of his brother. In some bizarre way, it was almost as if Dean could keep Sam alive as long as he kept talking about him. If he was sharing stories, Sam was living in the moment he shared them.

But Cas always went home and Dean was always left in the silence, without his brother and alone with the thoughts that he'd failed. Dean had failed the one task his entire existence had been about – keeping Sam safe.

At night when he was alone and exhausted, the nightmares would come, immersing him in the horror of helplessness all over again. He'd be sitting in the car all over again, drumming his fingers against the steering wheel, wondering what the hell was taking Sam so long. How long did it take to pick up some papers from a colleague? In the dream, his body would flinch with the sound of each gunshot as if the bullets were tearing into his own skin. He'd relive fighting through the crowd running from the building as he ran into it. Only in his dream he'd know, long before he got to the room, what he'd find there. In his nightmare, the blood pooled around his brother, had moved towards him, collecting around his feet, crawling up his body as if it were a living thing, consuming him. He'd scream and scream until he woke himself up throat burning from abuse.

Wanna know what the fucking stupidest part was? The gunman was looking for the lawyer in the next room. He killed two people that day, Sam and his colleague, and neither was the guy the gunman had wanted dead. The sheer absurdity of it all stunned him. Nothing in life made sense after Sam.

Castiel got up from the living room and walked into the kitchen to throw out the container his health drink came in. From where he sat in the living room, Dean could hear the clinking of the many empty bottles in the garbage can. Yeah, there were a lot of them. Cas didn't know about his drinking before this but based on what he knew Cas was seeing he steeled himself for the inevitable lecture that was to come.

He waited for Cas to return but Cas didn't immediately come back out. He got up to see what Cas was doing. In the kitchen, Castiel taken all the empty bottles out of the garbage can and had lined them up on the counter. Yeah, there were in fact a lot of them. More than Dean had realised. _So this is it,_ he thought. _This is where Cas walks out disgusted because his new friend is an alcoholic. Well fuck you Cas, if you want to judge me. You don't know what it's like for me. You don't know how unbearable it gets and how the numbness is the only thing that gets me through another night. So go ahead and judge_ , he thought. _I don't need you in my life. I don't need anyone or anything anymore!_

Castiel had found a cardboard box and had started packing the bottles in it.

"I'm really disappointed Dean," Cas said in that gravelly voice.

Dean just eyed him suspiciously as if he were waiting for a fight to start. He didn't need or want to hear anything about how he shouldn't be drinking, how he's damaging his liver and whatever blah blah blah Cas would come up with.

"Oh yeah?" He asked softly, dangerously. "Why is that?"

Cas came to stand in front of Dean. He stood just a little too close than could be considered normal and peered up at Dean with his head tilted to the side. Dean felt and fought the urge to step back. Anticipation zinged through his blood. _It must be because I'm gearing up for a fight_ he thought. But damn if it didn't feel just the slightest bit like arousal.

"All those bottles in the garbage Dean?" He could feel Castiel's words as breath on his face. A spike of anger surged below his skin.

"What about them Cas?"

"Dean," Cas sounded exasperated. "I can't believe you had them in the garbage. I mean who doesn't recycle in this day and age? You're not an idiot so why the hell wouldn't you dispose of them properly? There must have been a dozen bottles in there."

Wait what? Cas continued to rant about the state of the environment and the legacy we're leaving for future generations whilst Dean stood there feeling the earth slip out from under him. For a moment he had a flashback to Sam bitching about the very same thing and how Dean should be driving a Prius if he cared about the planet at all. It was surreal. What was it about Castiel that gave him the sense of being with Sam; that Sam was still with him?

Dean suddenly realised that Castiel had stopped talking and was just looking at him. For some reason his heart was racing and he felt just the slightest bit light headed. He took a deep breath and swore he could almost taste Castiel; that's how close the guy was standing to him.

"All those _whiskey_ bottles Cas, and you're lecturing me on _recycling_?

Castiel tilted his head even further if that was at all possible.

"Of course Dean. Protecting our planet should be our priority if we want to ensure we as a species don't face early extinction. Scientist have proven _mmfphff_ …"

Castiel's words were muffled, his face pressed into Dean's chest as the older man wrapped his arms around Castiel and held him tight. He held on to him for a minute or two before Castiel lifted his own arms and hugged Dean back. The two men stood in the kitchen, locked in an embrace, one taking comfort and the other giving it freely. Total chick flick moment if there ever was so Dean patted Cas on the back awkwardly before breaking the hug.

Smiling he said, "Don't ever change, man. Don't ever change."

Castiel furrowed his brow in confusion.

"Okay Dean. Now about those bottles….?"

* * *

**Chapter 3:**  

* * *

Castiel looked up from the wanted ads he was currently perusing and glanced across the coffee shop to his brother who was at the counter paying for their drinks. It had taken a lot of argument, a bit of foot stamping and a fair amount of pleading but he had convinced his family that it was time and that he was more than able to find a simple job and get a place of his own. They were very resistant initially, but if he was anything at all, it was resilient. He just stood his ground and waited them all out. He was very pleased to have won that battle, but since that was almost a month ago and he still had yet to find employment and a new address, the victory seemed less satisfying every day.

Gabriel, one of Castiel's older brothers, pushed the newsprint to the side to make room on the table for the drinks.

"Tell me again, why you can't come live with me?" Gabriel raised an eyebrow at Castiel, "Now that you've determined you can't afford an apartment on your own, why on earth would you want to rent out a room in a stranger's place rather than just use my extra bedroom?"

Castiel took a sip of his fruit smoothie and smiled at his brother.

"Because a stranger won't expect all sorts of weird favours or ask me to participate in so called pranks that could get me arrested."

Gabriel snorted, "Cassie! That was one time! And how was I to know that the girl in the drive-thru wouldn't find my decapitated driver costume a hoot? Seriously baby bro, you can't hold me accountable for that one."

Laughing, Castiel replied, "I can and I do. Michael is still paying for the girl's therapy"

"What do you think of this one?" he asked Gabriel pointing to an ad for a room that he'd red circled.

Reading it Gabriel almost spewed his coffee out. Tapping his finger against the ad, he shook his head.

" _Must be open minded and willing to participate in select group activities_? Are you nuts? You'll probably be ingesting all manner of drugs and be starring in internet porn clips after your first week there. Hellz no, baby bro!"

Castiel laughed out loud while Gabriel looked pensive for a moment before he tore out the ad and put it in his pocket.

"Actually Cas, maybe I'll check it out. If the rent's not too steep I might move in there myself."

He waggled his eyebrows suggestively at Castiel which once again had Castiel in stitches. Cas did so enjoy his time with Gabriel. A familiar voice then cut through his revelry.

"Cas?"

Looking up, he saw Dean standing next to the table.

"Dean!" He exclaimed with a smile. Gesturing to an empty chair at their table he invited Dean to sit with them.

"Only for a minute," Dean said as he sat down, "I'm just on a coffee run for the boys out at the construction site."

The two men looked at each other, smiling and it was as if the rest of the coffee shop had melted away.

Gabriel cleared his throat.

Startled, Cas began the introductions, "Dean, meet my brother Gabriel. Gabriel this is my friend Dean."

The men shook hands but Gabriel was watching Dean closely.

"I wasn't aware you had a lot of friends Cas." Gabriel mentioned.

Castiel coloured, "Well Dean and I met some weeks ago and hit it off really well. We hang out a couple times a week."

"Yeah," Dean chimed in, "Cas here is sorely lacking in his Classic Rock education and don't get me started on how limited his Movie education is. I've been bringing him up to speed."

"Really?" Gabriel made the word sound very sing-song, the way he said it. "And what do you get in return Dean?"

"Apart from lectures on recycling and my responsibility to people in the future that I'll never meet or care about?" Dean looked at Cas who was looking very embarrassed and laughed. "Cas is fun. He's got a quirky sense of humor and there's something about him that reminds me of my little brother. He's cool."

Dean glanced down at the newspaper strewn over the table.

"Whatchya doin' Cas?" he asked.

"I'm currently looking for employment and a place to live. We're checking out rooms for rent because I am currently unable to fund the cost of an entire apartment."

Dean looked at Gabriel out of the corner of his eye but addressed his question to Castiel.

"You need a place to stay?"

"Oh believe me, he doesn't." Gabriel chimed in. "He has permanent space allocated to him in a multitude of residences. He wants to be on his own and he doesn't want us to fund his streak of independence either. Some crap about being his “own man”, if I remember the argument correctly."

Dean shrugged. He got it. Doing things on your own steam has always been the only way he did anything. If Cas wanted to go that route, he could understand it and respect him for it. Actually he could help him out.

"Hey, you know Cas," he began, "I have an empty room. Why don't you move in with me? We already know we get along and if you take responsibility for some things like recycling, and helping keep the place clean or whatever, I'd take a couple hundred off the market price. Whaddya say?"

Castiel's face was positively beaming. This was better than his wildest dreams. Then he remembered his lack of employment.

"That would be extremely acceptable Dean. You should be aware though that I have yet to secure a source of income, so even a reduced price maybe a bit of a stretch for me."

Gabriel rolled his eyes. Castiel was from a well to do family plus he had a sizeable trust fund. What the hell was Cassie playing at?

"No worries," Dean responded. "We'll take it as it comes."

Dean took Castiel's red pencil and wrote down a name and address on a piece of newsprint. He pushed it to Castiel who read it.

"This is my friend Ellen. She owns the Roadhouse Pub. Remember we'd gone there for dinner one evening? "

Castiel nodded.

"Well she's looking for some help – bookwork, inventory, that type of thing. It's only part-time, four hours a day, but it's something right?"

Gabriel watched Castiel closely. He looked like a kid on Christmas morning.

"This is great Dean," said Cas. "I'll head over there today just after lunch and speak with her."

"Awesome, Dude." Dean got up. "I gotta head back now or the guys will come looking for me."

He turned to Gabriel "Nice meeting you Gabe. If Cas here takes me up on the rooming thing, I guess we'll be seeing more of each other."

Gabriel shook his hand again and nodded. Dean turned back to Cas.

So…ummm…you gonna swing by the place later? Check out the room?"

Castiel smiled and reminded Dean that they had plans that evening anyway so of course he'd be there. Dean left smiling and Castiel watched him leave with his own smile plastered on his face. Gabriel watched Cas pensively.

"Cassie, are you gay?"

That got Castiel's attention. "What?"

"I don't mean anything bad by it. It'd be perfectly okay with me if you were. It's just that this guy seems to make you extremely happy – happy in a way I've never seen you be before. So I just wondered…." Gabriel's voice trailed off.

Castiel studied his beverage cup, spinning it with his fingers as he thought about what Gabriel had asked. Was he? How does one know?

"I don't know Gabriel? I've never had the opportunity to feel and explore any attraction for either sex before. I do find Dean engaging but is it a physical attraction? I'm not sure."

"You don't want to jump his bones and do the nasty-nasty like wild monkeys with him?" Gabriel interjected.

Castiel rolled his eyes at his brother. "Must you be so crude?"

Gabriel grinned. "I must. I truly must."

"I enjoy being with Dean. When I'm with him it is joyous but not particularly lustful."

"Not particularly?"

"Well…he hugged me once and I found the experience….well it was different than when you or the rest of the family hugs me. I would not be opposed to repeating the experience. But I'm not sure about anything beyond that. Perhaps I should read up on sexual relationships and the determination of one's orientation?"

It was Gabriel's turn to roll his eyes. "Really Cassie, you can take the fun out of just about anything. I bet none of you reading material will include skin mags."

Castiel just smiled at his brother a proceeded to sip his drink.

.

Later that evening, Dean found himself outside the door to Sam's room. If Castiel was planning on moving in, he supposed he should clean it up a bit, perhaps remove some of the personal items in there that made the room Sam. He supposed he should have done it a long time ago but he could never bring himself to do it. Cleaning out the room would be like packing Sam away in a box all over again. He hadn't been ready to do it then. He wasn't sure he was ready to do it now.

He dragged his fingerpads along the length of the door as flashbacks of the many times he rapped on the door get Sam out of bed or on his way, flitted through his mind. He could almost hear Sam's voice through the door " _Go to Hell Jerk_!" in response to some smart ass comment he'd have made.

" _Been there Sammy,"_ he whispered, " _Haven't quite made my way back_."

He pressed his forehead against the door and took a deep breath before turning the handle and walking in.

The room looked the same as it always did. The bed was neatly made waiting for Sam to come home. His books lined the shelves of the bookcase up against the wall and the lamps and posters that Sam had selected still adorned the room. The only sign that Sam was gone was the empty closet. Dean had boxed up Sam's clothes to give to charity shortly after his death because so many people told him it was necessary for healing. What a load of crap. Standing there in his brother's room, Dean could hear his heart beat like a loud drum, drowning out everything around him. Da Dum, Da Dum, Da Dum – each sound felt like a blow to his body, pain washing over him. He fell to his knees, holding his head in agony as the beating got louder and louder, the blows harder and harder.

"Dean!"

His head jerked up and he looked around the room frantically, searching for something, though he wasn't sure what for. Then he heard the banging in the other room. Someone was knocking at the door. Feeling just a little bit guilty for being glad to have an excuse to leave the room, he went to the door to find Cas standing there.

"Hey Cas," he said standing to the side so Castiel could enter, "Come on in."

He noticed the small duffle that Cas had with him. He closed the door and motioned for Castiel to follow him. Stopping outside the room he said,

"Sorry, I haven't cleaned out his stuff. I…ummm… haven't been able to but I promise I'll get to it."

Recognizing the anguish in the older man's voice and face, Castiel placed his hand on Dean's arm as he peered into the bedroom.

"This is perfect Dean," he said. "We don't need to change a thing. I like the lived in feel. I've had enough of sterile rooms and places. I'll just bring my clothes over and we'll go from there. It will always be Sam's room for us. We don't need to change that.

Castiel got his second hug from Dean just then. Grateful that Cas got him, that he understood, Dean couldn't find any words, so he hugged Cas again. Cas hugged him back immediately this time.

Castiel ended up staying the night but both men fell asleep in the living room, neither having the energy to last through the movie they'd selected. When Dean woke up the next morning, three things occurred to him. One: He was too old to be sleeping on a couch without paying for it in aches and pain the next morning. Two: Castiel was as adorable as a baby when asleep and loved to cuddle just as much. Three: It was the first night since Sam's death that he'd slept without consuming excessive amounts of alcohol.

* * *

**Chapter 4:**

* * *

From the darkness of his booth at the roadhouse, Dean watched Castiel joke with Ellen. Cas had worked his hours later in the day so Dean opted to just meet him there for dinner after work. Dean couldn't believe the changes a couple weeks had made in Cas.

Cas had moved in right after the night they'd fallen asleep on the couch together. When Dean woke up that morning, he left Cas sleeping, with a note on the coffee table, explaining he had to go to work and an extra key for the apartment. During the day, Cas had moved some things in and Dean had come home that night to a home cooked meal and someone waiting up for him. He hadn't had that since Sam. It was great even if the meal was obviously a beginner's attempt. He smiled thinking back to the over cooked pasta and the under cooked veggies. Cas had gotten a lot better since then. He focussed on healthier meal options, something Sam would be glad for, but at least once a week, usually on the weekend, they'd go out and Dean could indulge his bacon cheeseburger fetish.

Cas was the perfect housemate. The place was always clean and comfortable. Cas did all the cooking in lieu of contributing for groceries. He'd leave a grocery list on the message board for Dean to pick things up or they'd head down to the store together to do shopping. He remembered things like bathroom and cleaning supplies. He set up a reminder on Dean's phone for various things that needed doing or bills that needed paying. He never bugged Dean about staying out with his construction worker friends, or how dirty his clothes got even though he'd taken to throwing in Dean's clothes with his when he did laundry.

Cas got up in the morning with him and they'd have breakfast together even though Cas didn't need to get up that early since his job didn't start until hours later. Dean packed his own lunch but Cas always made sure to throw in a snack for him (Dean didn't care for the apples but preferred the days there were Twinkies instead). Cas was done work hours before Dean so by the time Dean got home, Cas would have dinner ready. After dinner they'd watch a movie together, or go out to run errands or sometimes just sit in the park. It was all so very comfortably domestic. If Cas were a woman, Dean would have married him in a heartbeat.

At night Cas would head to bed before Dean, reading through Sam's collection of books on his bed before settling in to sleep. A few nights, as Dean headed into his own room he'd seen the light peeping out from under the door and forgot that it wasn't Sam in there but Cas. Once he'd opened his mouth to call out _"Hey Bitchface!"_ before he remembered and stopped himself.

On the bright side Dean wasn't drinking as much. Being with Cas helped ease the pain of his loss. Having someone else to care about didn't fill the void created by Sam's absence but it gave him something else to focus on – something other than the crippling pain he felt at being alone in the world. With Cas, he didn't feel as if he was alone. He didn't doubt Cas cared for him, not with the way Cas took care him. Cas took care of him like Sam took care of him. He took care of Cas like he took care of Sam.

A sober Dean however was a confused Dean. Two nights ago Dean had been in the throes of 'the nightmare' once more when he was awakened by someone sliding into bed with him.

"Cas?" he asked groggily.

Castiel lay on his side next to Dean, facing him. He threaded his fingers through Dean's hair and began to trace patterns against his scalp, relaxing him.

"Shh…Dean, it's just a nightmare. I'm here." Cas soothed.

"Stay?" Dean wasn't sure if he was asking Cas whether he intended to stay or was asking him to stay.

Castiel sidled closer to Dean, continuing to relax him with his soothing strokes to his scalp and skin.

"Sleep Dean," he said. "I'll watch over you"

Dean slept soundly and peacefully. Cas was gone when he woke up, already in the kitchen getting breakfast started but the pillow still had the indent of his head and the sheets were still warm with his body heat and smelt faintly of him. No mention was made of Cas spending the night in Dean's bed and unsure how to talk about it or even _if_ he wanted to talk about it, Dean just left it alone.

Last night however, after watching the news together on TV, both men turned in at the same time. Cas was in the bathroom when Dean pulled back the sheets and climbed into his bed. He'd just turned off the light, when the door to his bedroom opened and Cas walked in, closing the door behind him. Without a word between them, Cas got into bed next to Dean, wished him goodnight and settled in to sleep. Dean lay there for a long time, wondering if he should say something, wondering if this was normal and then before he could come to any decisions, he fell asleep. He woke once during the night to find himself spooned around Castiel, holding the smaller man close to him. Cas for his part had snuggled back into Dean and had Dean's arm hugged tightly against his chest. Dean wondered what it meant that instead of pulling away from Cas and kicking him out of his bed, he just nuzzled the other man's neck and fell back into sleep.

Again nothing was said about the sleeping arrangements in the light of the day. Dean didn't want to analyze it. If you keep dissecting something, it's only a matter of time before it ceases to exist. He didn't want this over with just yet. If he had Cas, he didn't need the whiskey. But what the fuck did having Cas mean?

A laughing Castiel dropped into the seat across from him in the booth, sliding a fresh beer across the table to him. Looking into Cas's animated face, his sparkling eyes, Dean's heart ached but it was an ache he didn't recognize.

"Food should be out shortly," Cas said, smiling at him. "I'm going to go in the back for a few more minutes. I'm helping Jo with a literature assignment for her college classes".

Jo was Ellen's daughter. Dean nodded his acknowledgement without saying anything, without taking his eyes off Cas. As Cas walked away, and Dean watched him walk away, he realised he was scared. He was frightened by the way things were developing between him and Cas. He was the happiest he'd been in months but he was confused as to what was going on. Who the hell was Cas to him? Was Cas just a friend? Was Cas a substitute brother? A replacement Sam? Or was Cas potentially more? And would Dean be okay if he was meant to be more? So confused was Dean. Yup, a sober Dean was a messed up Dean. Maybe Dean needed to start drinking again? Maybe Dean needed to start being Dean again?

When the buxom blonde with the too tight skirt and too low neckline came up to him and asked if he wanted to go somewhere with her, Dean flicked his eyes in the direction of the door to the back rooms and kitchen of the Roadhouse, where Cas had just moments before passed through. Then pasting on his brightest, most seductive smile, he turned to the woman and said,

"Sure thing Darling."

* * *

**Chapter 5:**

* * *

 The room was spinning wildly out of control or maybe it was just his head. He definitely had to puke though. Using his hands to brace himself against the wall and to complement the limited movement his legs were providing, Castiel felt his way down the corridor to the bathroom. What the hell made him think visiting Gabriel late at night was a good idea? He should have been smarter – on several fronts apparently.

"You okay handsome?" some under-clad and possibly underage beauty asked as he struggled with the doorknob to the bathroom.

He waved her off, the loud pulsating beat of the dance music clouding his mind and rendering him unable to string together the words required for a coherent response. Or maybe that was the alcohol. It could be the alcohol. His body wasn't used to liquor. He probably shouldn't have passed on dinner but when he came back out to the booth at the Roadhouse to find it empty, only to learn that Dean had taken off with some bimbo bar-fly with loose morals, without even bothering to tell him, he'd lost his appetite pretty quick.

Closing the door behind him offered a small measure of relief, muting the cacophony of the party. He slumped down against the door and wondered what the hell was wrong with him. He'd turned up at Gabriel's because he didn't want to go home to find that Dean had invited a stranger into his bed. He knew he had no reason to feel slighted or upset.

Wait.

That's not true. He did have a reason. He and Dean had dinner plans. The food had already been ordered. It would have been the most basic of courtesies for Dean to have at least informed him that those plans had changed. What Dean did was rude and discourteous. Yes, he had every reason to be upset. What he didn't have, was any reason to feel like crying and he did feel like crying.

That's why he didn't go back to the apartment. He couldn't stand to think that _she_ was there. He didn't want to contemplate what she and Dean were doing, far less hear audible evidence of such activities.

Castiel crawled to the toilet and emptied the mostly liquid contents of his stomach into the bowl.

His heart hurt and he immediately felt guilty for not eating properly and for soaking his organs in tequila. Sam Winchester had paid such a high price so that Castiel could have this heart; the least he could do was take the very best care of it that he could. Flushing down his spew and rinsing out his mouth, he looked at his reflection in the mirror and resolved to do better.

_I promise_ _Sam_ , he thought. _I promise to take better care of your heart._

Castiel felt just a little bit more human. He felt man enough to go home. He made his way to his brother who was in his backyard hot tub surrounded by bikini clad women. There were so many people in Gabriel's house. Castiel wondered if Gabriel knew even half of them. After saying goodbye to Gabriel, Castiel called a cab and went out to the front curb to wait for it. The night air was cool. Or was it early morning air? It helped clear his head even further.

The taxi came fairly quickly which meant that he got home faster than he was just quite ready for. As the unlocked the door, he wondered briefly if _she_ was still there and then quickly pushed the thought out of his head. It was none of his concern. That part of Dean's life had nothing to do with him. And he didn't want it to. Right?

As he got inside and closed the door behind him, the lights came on suddenly, harsh in their brightness, their effects pushing past his hand-shaded scrunched-closed eyes causing significant discomfort.

"Where the hell have you been?" Dean's voice was loud; angry even. It sounded worried.

Castiel blinked a few times trying to get his eyesight to adjust to the light level. Dean's question had him disoriented and confused. He took a couple seconds to try to reorient himself.

"Well?" _Impatient_. Dean's voice now sounded impatient.

"Dean?' Castiel's brain still wasn't up to working speed just yet. He could see Dean see standing in the living room wearing nothing but his boxers and an old t-shirt. He looked around the room for evidence that the woman was still here but could find none. As his eyes fell on Dean again, his brain wondered what had Dean so hot and bothered. He would ask.

"Dean? What's going on? Why are you shouting?"

Dean let out a loud sigh that effectively conveyed exasperation.

"What's going on? _What's going on?_ It's frickin' three in the morning Cas. Where the hell have you been? Why didn't you answer any of my texts?"

Castiel looked puzzled and then pulled out his cellphone. Sure enough there were several text messages from Dean beginning shortly after midnight. He shrugged not knowing what to say and put the phone back into his pocket. Dean ran a hand through his hair as a gesture of tension.

"I was worried man. This is not how you behave. What the hell were you thinking taking off and not letting me know that you were okay?"

Castiel entire body stilled. He looked at Dean with such intensity that Dean actually took a step back from the gaze.

"Do we do that Dean?" he asked softly, dangerously almost.

He took a slow measured step towards Dean and then another and then another. It reminded Dean of a jungle cat walking up to its cornered prey. The cat had its victim trapped and so could take it's time in the approach; in the kill.

"Do we Dean?" he asked again. "It's _not_ okay to simply leave and not give the other fair notice if plans had changed or if you're going to be unavailable for a while?"

_Fuck!_ Dean thought. He'd walked right into that one.

"Should I have been courteous enough Dean, to let you know that rather than hanging out at the Roadhouse and then coming home like initially planned, my agenda had changed?"

"Was it rude of me Dean, to just leave without saying anything? Was I inconsiderate?"

With every question Castiel's voice raised a little. Dean had never heard him raise his voice before. Even so, it couldn't really be classified as yelling. On the contrary, his voice was clear, clam and as direct as a smart missile.

By now Castiel was standing in front of Dean, right up against him, head tilted upward, looking at Dean. He tapped Dean in the chest with a finger and asked

"Are you really going to lecture me about this? Wouldn't that make you a hypocrite Dean?"

Dean flinched. Angry, he grabbed Castiel's shirt in a two-fisted grip, pulling him up even closer. Castiel was looking at him with an expression as if he was almost daring Dean to something. Dean felt like taking that dare. His eyes darted down to Castiel's lips and for a second….just for a second, Dean wondered. His head started to lean forward and it was the widening of Castiel's irises that brought him back to himself.

He pushed Cas backwards and away from him, hard. Castiel stumbled, almost falling over the couch.

"Fuck you Cas. I don't need to tell you anything. You're not my wife."

Castiel straightened himself up.

"It's not about being your wife Dean. It's about common courtesy. You would have told Sam you were leaving."

Dean felt that last sentence like a physical blow. Furious with himself that he'd almost crossed a huge line with Castiel, that his body had almost betrayed his confusion over his relationship with Cas, he lashed out viciously.

"Well, you're not my brother are you Cas?" he sneered. "You may live in his house, sleep in his bed and read his books but you'll never be Sam."

The world slowed to a chest crushing halt for Castiel. The pressure of pain squeezed the breath out of his lungs and his borrowed heart felt as if Dean had pushed his hands into his chest and was crushing that heart to pieces with his fingers. His eyes burned as he blinked back tears. Shoving his hands in his pockets so Dean couldn't see them tremble, he groped for his keys.

"Fuck you Dean," he whispered and with that he turned around and left Dean alone in the empty apartment.

Dean caught up with him in the street. Still wearing his boxers and t-shirt, Dean chased after him calling his name. When he reached him, Dean grabbed Castiel by the arm and turned him around into his chest. He wrapped his arms around Castiel, whose tears were now streaming freely down his face.

"I'm an ass. I'm so sorry Cas. I didn't mean it. Please forgive me."

Dean chanted those words over and over into Castiel's ear as he held him. He never said the words "Please don't leave me" but Castiel could hear them float out over the words he did say.

Castiel's tears stopped and the heart that had been pounding furiously as he walked away from Dean, almost as if in protest of his leaving, slowed to a comfortable pace, in to a contented rhythm. It was home, here in Dean's arms. _Cas_ was home here in Dean's arms. He wrapped his own arms around Dean's waist and the two men stood there like that, on the pavement outside their building, in the early morning darkness.

* * *

**Chapter 6:**  

* * *

 Dean laughed as he watched Castiel struggle to change the baby's diaper. Under the pretext of returning some cash owed to Dean, Dean had arranged for one of his construction buddies to drop by with his wife and baby so that Castiel could meet them. As arranged, the wife asked Cas if he'd like to try his hand at changing the little boy's diaper. Cas jumped at the opportunity and what followed had Dean almost in tears.

The baby waited until Cas had got the diaper opened before letting go a fountain of pee aimed right at Castiel. Castiel managed to cover up that little hose before he got hit with the stream but the baby boy was giggling so loudly at Cas, you had to wonder if it was deliberate. Under the guidance of the Mom, Cas soldiered through the diaper switch.

Benny, Dean's friend, was standing next to Dean a little ways off from where the baby shenanigans were taking place.

"Has he figured it out yet?" he asked softly.

"Not a clue," Dean responded smiling widely. "I can't wait until he does."

Dean knew that he'd behaved like a gigantic jack ass the night they fought. He still couldn't believe that Cas forgave him but he was really grateful for it. After they came back to the apartment together, Dean refused to let go of him physically. He guided Cas to his room and they just slept holding each other dressed as they were. They hadn't slept in the same bed since however.

Cas was still very subdued in the morning so during the day, Dean decided he was going to make it up to Cas . His problem however was how. How do you atone for being a colossal douche? Then it struck him – Cas's bucket list.

It had started as a late night joke the first week Cas had moved in. Cas didn't like to talk about the time he spent in the hospital and Dean still didn't know what exactly had been wrong with him but they did get to talking about dreams and bucket lists. Cas mentioned that he _sorta had one_ in his head. That he used to dream up a list of things that he would do when he got out, if he got out. It turned out however that even though he was now out he hadn't really gotten around to doing anything from his list. As a game, they both wrote down their lists.

Cas's list had 27 items on it. There'd probably be more but Dean actually had to take the paper away from him to get him to stop. Some of it was really meaningful, some of it was just silly and some made Dean grin. Dean's list had only one thing on it. "Cope." Needless to say that put a damper on the evening and the lists were pushed away in a kitchen drawer and forgotten.

Dean however retrieved Castiel's list and made it his mission to see Cas through it. So far, without Cas being aware, Dean had been able to check off **_#18Buy a stranger a meal at a restaurant_**. It was so simple. After eating out one evening, Dean had paid for their meal quietly and then getting the bill for the elderly guy who was sitting by himself two tables over, he passed the bill to Cas asking him to take of it. Cas passed over his credit card without even looking at the tab. Dean smiled thinking back to that night. Cas trusted him and it showed.

Then he'd rented a motorcycle and taken Cas for a ride. He'd never ridden one before. He remembered the feel of Cas plastered to him, holding on tight around his waist. Dean had broken every speed law there was and possibly some laws of physics as well. It was exhilarating and even if Castiel lectured him for hours afterwards to breaking laws, the frailty of the human condition and the benefits of establishing boundaries in life, Dean was able to cross off **_#20 Ride a motorcycle, #21 Drive any land vehicle at a speed of greater than 100 mph_** and he definitely counted **_#19 Do something you should regret, but don't_** in there as well.

**_#24 Sit on a park bench and feed the ducks_** was easy-peasy, as was **_#26 Serve at a soup kitchen_**. Those were definitely things they'd be doing together on a regular basis. He also counted **_#22 Changed someone's mind about something you care deeply about_** as completed because Dean was as much a recycling hippie as the next guy now thanks to Cas's influence. One weekend he took Cas out and crossed off **_#15 Go rock climbing._** Hey! A wall counted, right?

There were a couple that Dean thought was going to be really hard but turned out to be fairly easy. Dean took Cas to a club one night, got him drunk and Cas was able to **_#16 Sing karaoke_** , and **_#14 Dance like a fool and not care who's looking_**. They got into a little bit of trouble when Drunk Cas got in the middle of a fight between a girl and her boyfriend. Dean had to step in to cool the boyfriend down as Cas was on the verge of getting his ass kicked. The boyfriend was only willing to not beat the crap out of Cas because he thought they were together and that Cas was gay so he couldn't have any designs on the girlfriend. On the up side, that night, Dean crossed off **_#17 Get into a fight while attempting to defend someone_**.

Dean had flowers delivered to Cas without signing the card ( ** _#13 Get flowers for no reason_** ) and just two days ago, they spent time making chocolate chip cookies using Mary Winchester's recipe ( ** _#12 Make cookies from scratch_** ). Now he could cross off **_#5 Change a baby's diaper_**.

"Are you courting him?" Benny's dulcet tones brought Dean back from his musings.

"What?" It hadn't occurred to Dean that it might look that way.

"Brother, I'm from the South," Benny's smooth New Orleans accent supported that. "And we know a thing or two about good old fashion courting. You're courting him and you don't even know it."

Benny grinned at Dean, "He's a good one. You're good together. Don't let your hang ups get in the way."

Dean, eyes still on Castiel, turned his head slightly towards Benny.

"Mind your own business _Brother_. Oh, about that courting thing…" Dean grinned. "I know it now."

After the young family left, Cas was all grins. When Dean asked him why he was grinning like an idiot, he'd only reply, "Life is good Dean. Life is good."

Later that night Dean talked Castiel into taking some blankets up on the roof. They looked at what stars they could find, talking into the early morning hours before snuggled together, they fell asleep. Dean woke up just before sunrise and was able to rouse Cas so that they could watch the sun come up together. It was a little disappointing because it was overcast, the clouds promising early morning rain but Dean was content standing there behind Cas with his arms around the younger man as they stared out at the horizon together.

When Cas began folding up the blankets, Dean took the opportunity to cross off **_#8 Sleep under the stars_** and **_#10 Watch the sun rise_**.

Cas saw him and curious about what Dean was doing, he sneaked up behind him and yanked the paper out from his grip. He stared at the list.

"This is my bucket list"

"Yes it is Captain Obvious." Dean was all smiles as he looked tenderly at Cas.

Cas was reading the list and Dean could see realisation hit Cas as he connected recent activities with the items crossed off. When Castiel lifted his gaze to Dean his eyes were wide with emotion.

"Dean," his rich husky voice wavered with emotion. "I don't know what to say."

He walked into Dean's arms and embraced him.

"No one has ever done anything like this for me. You're incredible."

Dean felt like his heart would burst with emotion. Trying to lighten the mood he said,

"How about we tackle **_#7 Go skinny dipping_** next?"

Castiel laughed against his chest and he could feel the sound vibrate through his entire being.

"How about **_#6 Hold a tarantula_** instead? You up for that one?"

Dean grimaced "You're on your own for that one buddy. However at next weekend's baseball game we could get **_#1 Go to a huge sports game, #2. Get on a JumboTron by doing something stupid and #3 Pick my nose on t.v._** all done. I already have the tickets. If we try really hard, we may even be able to squeeze in **_#4 Take someone's clothes away from a public shower, and leave them with only a funny costume to wear_**. "

Castiel pulled away laughing. Putting the list up against Dean's chest, he took the pen Dean was still holding and crossed off **_#23 Write a love-story_**. Seeing this, even if it was upside down, Dean asked, "Cas?"

Looking up at Dean, eyes bright with honesty and emotion, Cas said. "I think we're writing one now, Dean. Our love story."

Dean pulled him close, crushing the list between them and pressed his lips to Cas's. They were soft and sweet and nothing in his life had felt better or tasted better. Cas kissed him back with need and enthusiasm and again felt the sensation of coming home. Moving his mouth over Cas's, Dean deepened the kiss and a moment later they broke apart breathless and wanting and happy.

"Not bad considering this was my first kiss with a guy" Dean whispered out.

"Not bad considering this was my first kiss ever," Cas replied

Dean pressed his lips against Cas's forehead. He took the list and pen from Cas and very deliberately crossed an item off saying, "I know this is your list Cas but this item is mine."

**_#9 Say "I love you" and mean it._** Dean didn't actually say the words but there was no doubt that it had been said.

Dean folded the list and put it and the pen away in his back pocket. He looked at Cas who said, "Wanna give me my second kiss ever?"

Dean's response was to cup Cas's face with his hands and pull it up for said kiss. They stood there kissing lovingly and deeply, for a long time and as the overhead clouds released their rains onto the city and their heads, they both thought **_#11 Kiss in the rain_**.

.

.

.

A/N: Hey, if anyone was keeping track and wondered…..the two items from the list not mentioned in the chapter are **_#25 Send a message in a bottle_** and **_#27 Help solve a crime_**. I suppose I could have left it at 25 but this wasn't my list. :)

* * *

**Chapter 7:**

* * *

When Castiel was a child, his mother would tuck him in at night with a bedtime story and just before she flicked off the light and left the room, she would press a kiss to his forehead. It was the simplest purest expression of love. She would do that every time she had to leave him in a hospital room as well. When her lips touched his brow, or just above his brow, it was so much more than a simple " _Goodnight_ " or " _Stay safe_ ". It was an avowal of the bond between mother and child, a promise to always be there for him, a commitment that he would always matter to her and that she would give everything she had to keep him healthy and happy.

After she left, as he lay in the darkness, whether in the warmth of his bed at home or in the cold sterile ward at the hospital, Castiel would cherish that simple human contact and all that it represented.

He'd also had family members press kisses to his cheek. On his birthday, at Christmas, when they visited him at the hospital, they kissed him _Hello_ or _Goodbye_. Those were quick pecks that hinted at a connection of sorts without delving into any real bond. Sometimes he thought they were false; fake gestures to convey what society thought should be convention but offered no real affection or emotion. He had never really cared for those. Perfunctory, shallow, sketchy – that's what those kisses were.

His illness meant he never really had the opportunity to experience romantic kisses but he'd seen enough of those on TV and in movies. Kisses that made you swoon ( _Swoon? Really?)_ or were wet sloppy tongue filled forays that led to meaningful expressions of love or meaningless physical release. He also read a lot about kissing. When you're bedridden, a good book can be your best friend. Some writers wrote descriptions of kissing in such detail, so intimately, that he felt as if he were the one experiencing it. He may not have had real life experience but he would certainly say he knew about kissing the way scholars knew about what happened with dinosaurs or how the universe was created.

None of what he knew prepared him for kissing Dean Winchester.

From the first touch of Dean's lips to his, his world changed. It was as if a spark had ignited deep within his chest, triggering faster heartbeats. His blood vessels dilated causing a rush of blood throughout his circulatory system, an overdose of oxygen, and his neurotransmitters, dopamine, oxytocin and serotonin, to overload. He had read somewhere once that Dopamine is especially intense during a first kiss and that it induces a craving for more as well as euphoria. Well he and Dean were well past their first kiss and the craving continued to intensify.

That first (and second kiss) was something though. He remembered the warmth of Dean, heightened by the cool rain pellets beating against his skin. Dean's lips were soft and firm and knowing, teaching him as it took from him. He recalled the rough softness of Dean's tongue tracing his lips as it begged for entrance and then the rush of heady sensation as that tongue swept into his mouth, claiming it. Damn it was good… so good.

Since then, Dean had set out teach Castiel everything there was to _feel_ about kissing and perhaps learn a few new things himself as well.

Did you know you can kiss with your eyes? Castiel had been making some toast in the kitchen when he looked up and saw Dean looking at him intensely. Well looking at his mouth. As Dean walked towards him, eyes completely focussed on Castiel's mouth, Cas's lips started tingling as if it could feel the gaze pressing against them, pressing into them. Dean had walked up to Castiel and with both hands on Cas's waist, slowly backed him up against the kitchen wall, all the while never taking his eyes off Cas's mouth. Then he brought one hand, slowly up to cup Cas's neck. He angled his head slowly, eyes still fixed on Cas's mouth and then gently, carefully pulled Cas's head forward as he pressed his lips against Cas. Castiel had felt truly and thoroughly kissed long before that kiss actually happened. Dean took his time, savouring every taste and texture in Cas's mouth as if it were some exquisite dessert that he didn't want over, that he wanted to prolong indefinitely.

Dean redefined the term "air kiss" for Castiel. Before Dean, an "air kiss" was that fake thing pretentious arseholes did where they pretended human contact with actually making contact. With Dean however…. Dean had cupped Castiel's face with his hands as they lay on the bed together, facing each other, joined by their tangled legs. Dean softly slid his thumb across Cas's cheekbone, trailing the finger pad to his ear, caressing the earlobe. Cas had leaned in for the kiss but Dean's hands had held Cas's face firmly in check.

"Dean…" Cas whined, so close to the prize but not being allowed to have it.

"Shh…" Dean whispered as he brought their lips closer, just millimetres apart before pausing and inhaling through his mouth, pulling the air as it were from Cas's lungs. Cas felt giddy and light headed and helpless with quiet excitement. Then Dean exhaled, pushing his breath, moist and warm with desire into Castiel. He'd pulled Castiel closer to him, and they could feel each other's body, feel their hearts race in a single rhythm and they stayed like that, lips just barely touching, breathing into each other.

Castiel also learnt that sometimes the best kisses had little to do with warmth. Dean had been sitting on the couch watching TV, crunching the ice cubes from the now empty glass that had held his soda. As Castiel walked by, he'd pulled Cas down onto his lap and dragged his now chilled lips against the curve of Castiel's neck, upward to his jaw. Castiel shivered from the cold as much as from excitement and when Dean turned his head and plunged his icy tongue into Cas's warm wet mouth, the shock of the opposite sensations reverberated throughout Cas's body. Tongues dueled, one warm, one cool and when Cas pushed his own tongue into Dean's icy mouth, he learnt a new level of pleasure.

Dean kissed him everywhere he could. He'd sometimes take Cas's hand and turn it palm upward, kissing the wrist, dragging his tongue against the flat of the palm and up the length of Cas's fingers. Dean loved licking Cas's fingers. Cas loved when Dean would put Cas's finger in his mouth and gently suck on it, nipping the length gently with his teeth as he drew it out past his lips.

Dean would grab Cas, pushing him into the stairwell to plant passionate kisses against his neck, face and mouth. He'd kiss him in the elevator the minute the doors closed, pulling apart every time the door opened but never caring that there were actually security cameras in the elevator or that building security were probably getting quite the eyeful.

There was one time, they were brushing their teeth together in the bathroom, looking at each other playfully in the mirror, Cas making coy faces at Dean. Having had enough, Dean suddenly whipped the toothbrush out of Cas's hand and mouth and planted his toothpaste covered mouth on Cas's equally toothpaste covered mouth for some minty fresh, if slightly pasty, action. That little session had ended with them getting tangled up in the shower curtain, tripped over into the bathtub and in need of new bathroom accessories.

Cas's favourite kisses though were the early morning ones where he came to awareness because Dean was tenderly kissing him awake, planting soft small kisses on his closed eyelids before moving down to his nose and cheeks and then finally making his way to his mouth. By the time Dean got to his mouth, Cas was usually ready to kiss back even if he wasn't fully awake yet.

There were times that Cas thought that it must be really frustrating for the sexually experienced Dean to be limited to kissing and heavy make out sessions but if he was, Cas never saw any sign of it. On the contrary, Dean seemed to be enjoying the slow exploration of each other as much as Cas was. Castiel had actually asked him about it once.

"The thing is Cas," Dean had said, "Innocence is a rare and beautiful thing. Once we cross over into making love, everything culminates in that. I never got to have this discovery. The life I led, the women I've been with, it was always about a mad dash to the finish. But you….I get to have this….the joy of innocence… the discovery of each other. These are first times for both of us. I don't want to screw it up."

Castiel's breath had hitched in his throat. Who knew Dean was such a romantic?

"But make no mistake Cas," Dean had continued. "We are going to get to the making love bit and when we do…"

Dean leaned close enough to Cas that his lips brushed Cas's earlobe.

"I'm going to fuck you into the mattress every chance I get"

Cas blushed thinking back to the look on Dean's face when in response he'd turned his head and drew his tongue up the side of Dean cheek before saying

"Right back at ya, babe."

* * *

**Chapter 8:**

* * *

Castiel looked at his reflection in the bathroom mirror. He was dressed as he usually was - a button up shirt with a t-shirt underneath. He could feel his heart rate rise a little and supporting himself by bracing his arms on the counter, he deliberately slowed his breathing, trying to relax.

Suddenly the door opened and Gabriel walked in. Sitting on the edge of the tub, he watched Castiel's reflection in the mirror.

"Is the concept of privacy that alien to you brother?" Cas asked.

"It's not alien to me Cassie," Gabe replied, "It's just not relevant."

Gabriel twisted his head and looked at Castiel intently as if trying to read all the things Castiel wasn't saying off the expression on his face. He was happy when he answered the door that morning to find Castiel standing on his doorstep. He'd always felt especially close to Castiel, especially protective. Perhaps it came from watching his baby brother deal with a lifetime of facing death and being braver at 10 years old than Gabriel could ever be in 10 lifetimes. Or maybe it was because Castiel was the only person in his straight-laced family that shared his crazy sense of humor. Whatever it was, there was a special bond between them and he knew that was what had brought Castiel to him this morning. What he didn't know was why the first thing Cassie did was to sequester himself away in the bathroom.

"Tell me again…why can't you stare at yourself in your own bathroom?"

Castiel met his eyes in the mirror and looked away as if ashamed.

"What's going on Cassie?" Gabriel's concern was rising. "When we last spoke I got the impression that you and lover boy were blissfully happy in your little teen dream romance. Has something happened?"

Castiel shook his head no. "Things are good Gabriel. They're better than good. Our relationship gets better. It's just our physical relationship…."

"Oh good God! Is the stud muffin a disappointment in the sack?" Gabe rolled his eyes. "Is that what this is about? He's all packaging and no goods? I have some movies that can help you with that."

"What? No!" Castiel glared at his brother. "I don't know why I even try talking with you sometimes. I'm very happy with our relationship. Dean is amazing. He's a very considerate lover.

"So it's happened then? My baby bro has given up the V-card? I'm curious…does Dean bottom? Cuz in my fantasies he does."

Cas started to respond when he realised what Gabriel had actually said.

"Gabriel.." he began in an exasperated tone before switching to incredulous "Wait! What? You have fantasies about my boyfriend bottoming?"

Gabriel winked at his brother. "Forget I said that. So who's doing what? Enquiring minds want to know"

"Dirty minds want to know," Castiel retorted, "But we haven't even got that far yet."

"What?" Gabriel was flabbergasted. "Last time I saw you guys, he was all over you, couldn't bear to not touch you for 2 minutes. You're telling me you guys haven't completed the deed yet? Why the hell not?"

Castiel didn't say anything. Instead he unbuttoned his shirt and cast it aside. Then he peeled his t-shirt off and it joined the shirt. He stood there looking at himself in the mirror. He was not 'built' by any stretch of the imagination but he was wiry, all lean muscle and sinew. In fact he was a rather attractive man shirtless; Except for the ridge of scar tissue that ran down the length of his chest.

It was not an ugly scar. The surgeons who performed his transplant were highly skilled and very neat in their stitching. It was simply this line down his sternum and a couple of healed over puncture holes. Castiel stared at it as if it were the Grand Canyon carved into his chest.

Gabriel looked at the scar. It was the first time since the few days post-surgery, that he was seeing it. It had healed well. Back then it had been this angry looking red threat, promising infectious nightmares and possible rejection. Now….it was nothing. He didn't get it. Maybe Dean didn't like it? Maybe that's what had Cassie in a tizzy?

"So what's up? Scars turn Dean off or something? Cause honestly, it doesn't look bad at all."

"Dean has never seen my scar."

Gabriel stood up in shock and walked over to Castiel. Taking his brother by the arm, he turned Castiel to face him.

"What do you mean he's never seen it? You guys may not have played Spaceship in the Asteroid but you have been intimate. How could he not see it?"

Castiel cast his eyes downward.

"I've been putting him off. So far he's been thinking it's because I'm shy and it's been great taking things slowly but lately we've been doing more and more. I don't think 'shy' will cut it anymore based on how open and intimate we've become."

"What? He's not buying that you have no problem shoving your dick in his face but you're shy about taking off your t-shirt?" Gabriel rolled his eyes and Castiel just looked uncomfortable.

"Cassie, he's seeing someone who's had a heart transplant. I think he knows there's a scar and he probably has a pretty decent idea what said scar would look like."

Castiel turned away from Gabe as he muttered a response softly.

"What was that?" Gabriel asked.

Cas turned back, looking embarrassed and uncomfortable.

"He doesn't know I had a heart transplant."

"For the love of cotton candy Castiel! He doesn't know? How? You've had doctors' appointments, regular check-ups for rejection; you used to take drugs by the truckload. Now I never thought he was the brightest crayon in the box even if he is the prettiest, but how the hell does he not know this? And more importantly, you have a boyfriend who loves you, why would you not want him there to support you though this?"

Castiel picked his t-shirt up and slipped it back on. Holding his button-up in his hand, he walked out of the bathroom and headed to the kitchen. Once there he poured himself a glass of water and sat at the table. Gabriel, who'd followed him, sat across from him and waited.

"I met Dean almost 8 months after the surgery. By then I'd finished all the major appointments and check-ups. I'd only have to go in for quick testing. With our schedules, it was easy to hide. There's only been a monthly thing happening and I'd book my appointment for early morning, after Dean had left for work and before I go into the Roadhouse. The thing is Gabriel, in two weeks I have my one-year check-up and they will want me to stay overnight. I need to miss it. Dean has a thing and I need to be there for him. The specialist coming in to look over this heart had booked this appointment, days after the surgery and his calendar is booked solid so if I miss this, he won't be available for another four months. Michael in his wisdom as my doctor and his arrogance as eldest brother hath decreed I'm not to miss this. But I can't ' _not_ ' be there for Dean."

Gabriel thought about his brother's words for a minute. There was obviously a big chunk that either he wasn't getting or Cassie wasn't giving.

"Two things," he began. "First: _YOUR_ heart."

"What?" Castiel was confused.

"Cassie, in the year since you've had the transplant, I've yet to hear you refer to the blessed thing as yours. It's always _this_ heart or _the_ heart but it's never been _my_ heart. It's your heart Cassie. It beats for you. It pumps your blood through your veins and arteries, throughout your body. Say it. Say the words brother: _my heart_."

Castiel looked disconcerted. Gabriel made sense. Yet after coming to know Sam the way he did, to lay claim to this heart, to own it, wouldn't that be like Sam dying a second time? Sam's heart was alive and beating. It gave Castiel great comfort to think that he was as much as a support system for Sam's heart as it was for his body. This acknowledgement of Sam meant that, to Castiel at least, both he and Sam were sharing a life instead of either of them being dead.

Castiel lifted pain filled eyes to his brother.

"I can't. I umm….I visited him you see…I visited Sam…my donor. I went to his grave. I found out about his life."

"YOU VISITED YOUR DONOR'S GRAVE?" Gabriel was shouting now. Castiel flinched. "How? You're not even supposed to know who that is? What did you do Castiel?"

Castiel's face was red but he didn't look contrite.

"I bribed some hospital workers. We'd become friends of sorts and I knew they needed the money so I made them an offer."

"Cassie, there are rules in place for a reason. No wonder you can't call it your heart. You still think of it as his."

"It _is_ his heart. His name was Sam. He was 26 years old. He was brilliant and kind hearted and was on his way to being one heck of a lawyer. Family was everything to him and he recycled and he died in a senseless act of violence simply because the gunman mixed up addresses. He was tall, freakishly so, with over long hair and eyes that could see to the very soul of you. He might be gone but his heart is still here, still beating, still doing some good in this senseless world. I can't let him vanish. I can't. I wont!"

Castiel was crying openly then and Gabriel could understand a little of what he was feeling. He knew that at some point Castiel would have to acknowledge the heart as his own but because he let himself get emotionally involved with the donors story, it was going to take some time. As far as he knew, Castiel's counselling was still on going so maybe he'd book a session with the therapist to talk about this. For now however, it was probably best to leave it alone.

Gabriel sighed.

"Okay, we'll put that aside. For now. You can bet your ass we'll be circling back to it in the near future. For now let's just sort out your hospital thing and your boyfriend. You need to tell Dean about the appointment and he needs to man up and be there for you – not the other way around. I mean what the hell is so important that you need to cancel your heart transplant related medical appointment to be there for Dean?"

Castiel drummed his fingers onto the tabletop.

"Dean had been orphaned at an early age. His entire life had just been about him and his baby brother. Looking out for his brother, raising his brother - he built his life around his brother. My medical appointment coincides with the one-year anniversary of his brother's death. He can't go through this alone Gabriel. It may just kill him."

"Well maybe you're looking at this all wrong," Gabriel tried. "Maybe if you ask Dean to be there for you, it'll be the distraction he needs…you know….your health and wellbeing may shift his focus from the loss of his brother."

Castiel cringed. "That's highly unlikely."

"Why?"

"The reason I'm alive is because his brother died. My donor is Sam Winchester, Dean's younger brother. That's why I've never told him about my transplant. I'd have to tell him that Sam's heart was in my chest. He loves me Gabriel. Me. If he knew that I had Sam's heart, who would he see when he looks at me? Would he see his lover or his brother? Would he be able to touch me again with desire without wondering if it wasn't the least bit incestuous? If he found out now, could he forgive me for being alive when his brother is not? He can't know Gabriel."

"He's going to drink himself into a stupor and probably die of liver poisoning if I'm not there to take care of him. And I can't let him do that Gabriel. I love him too damn much."

There wasn't much in life that threw Gabriel Novak, but this? There was only one response to this.

"Damn Cassie. You are fucked."

* * *

**Chapter 9:**  

* * *

Dean placed the small bouquet of flowers on the grave and sat down next to it, legs stretched along the length of the grave and his back propped up against the headstone. With one hand he drew patterns on grass as he contemplated what he wanted to say to his brother. He made it a point to visit the grave every weekend, talking to Sam about his life, the way he did when Sam was alive.

"Hey Sammy. Yeah I know, I know….it's Sam. Well you'll always be Sammy to me. I can't believe it's a fucking year since you've been gone. I'm doing…good. Well better than I was a year ago anyway. I think we can thank Cas for that. He's pretty much the reason I aint dead yet myself. "

"I told you about the drinking and how he's helped me ease off the sauce. And remember when I told you how he's more of a eco-freak than you ever were? You would have loved him Sam. You two would have had so much in common. You're both nerds. Dude's never had formal school. I think he was homeschooled or something but apparently he willingly spends his time with a book learning about stuff. I think he's gone through all your stuff."

Dean looked off in the distance. He could see a young woman and a little girl stand next to a headstone some distance away. Visiting the husband and father perhaps? His heart ached.

"I've got something to tell you Sammy and I'm not sure how to go about it. "

He lifted his hand and some of the grass tore off in his grip. Flexing his fingers, he watched the jagged blades float back to the ground. He was stalling. He knew it. Sam probably knew it too.

"If you're watching me from where ever you are, then you know what I want to tell you but I figure I still need to say the words out loud. I can almost hear your voice asking me if I'm saying it for you to hear it or if I'm saying it for me to hear it. You're giving me the bitch-face from beyond the grave aren't you?"

He sighed and turned to sit cross legged with the headstone to the side. Putting a hand on the cool marble, he leaned forward and pressed his forehead to the stone.

"It isn't a secret Sam. I've gone and fallen in love. With a man. Can you believe that? Me, Dean Winchester finally caught hook line and sinker and no big boobs involved? Fuck I can hardly believe it myself bro. Never thought of myself as gay or even bi. It's just when I look at him, I don't see a man or even a gender. I just see all this love aimed right at me and all I can think is _Mine. Mine and only mine._ "

Dean laughed a little to himself think of Cas's wide blue eyes and impish grin.

"It's funny. When Benny from the construction site asked me how I met him, I told him you introduced us. It confused the heck out of him. But you did, you know. Cas was having a conversation with you when I came up to you, right here in this very spot. That's how we met. I'll never tell it differently."

"I guess what I'm trying to say Sammy, is after you…"

His throat choked up and his vision blurred as tears filled his eye without spilling out. He blinked them back furiously. He was a man damn it and he was going to get through this without crying.

"After you died, I thought that I'd died with you. I thought that my reaper had just gotten lost along the way and maybe if I left her a trail of booze, she'd find me faster. I never thought that there could be any joy in living. "

"But then he came along and changed all that. I wasn't looking for anything except a way back to you. At night, when I was drunk enough, I'd pray for you to come back. But you never did. Even just a little piece of you in my life was better than this huge gaping hole. But you never listened, Sam. You never listened or I thought you never did. "

"But then he was here talking to you, and he came to live with me and somehow came to love me Sam. After you, I didn't think anyone else would ever love me. But he does. His heart is as big and generous and forgiving and loving as yours and I am a lucky man. Thank you for sending him to look out for me."

Dean paused to dab his sleeve at his eyes. He noticed that the mother and daughter duo were walking away having finished their visit with their loved one.

"I'm thinking about asking him to marry me Sammy. Bet you never thought that day would come. I know it's only been a few months that we've been together but we already live together in a partnership and though we've haven't gone all the way yet, the action so far has been some of the hottest ever."

Dean smiled as he pictured Sam's reaction to his last comment. Sam was probably muttering something about brain bleach.

"Think I'll save myself for marriage too bro. Who knew I could be traditional?" Dean asked laughingly.

He suddenly sobered as he contemplated his future without Sam.

"Fuck I wish you were here Sammy. I feel so fucking guilty that I get to have this. I get to find love, plan a future, live life and you're….you don't get to have any of this. It's so fucking unfair. You've always been the better brother. You're the smarter one, the more ambitious one, the one who could make a difference. It should be me in the ground instead of you. Why the hell do I get to go home to this beautiful person? Why do I get to be happy?"

Elbows on his knees, Dean dropped his head into his hands.

"Please don't hate me for being happy," he whispered.

"Dammit Sam! Find a way to let me know that it's okay to have this. I need to know that you're with me on this Sam. We've always been a team. I miss you so damn much."

And then Dean thought "Fuck being a man and not crying. I've bloody well-earned it"

And he had. So he did.

.

.

"This is going to end badly."

Castiel was certain of this. Gabriel on the other hand was quite optimistic.

"Hush Cassie. My plan is brilliant. Dean will never know what hit him."

Castiel tilted his head as he looked at Gabriel.

"That is exactly my concern. My aim is to keep him from harm, not encourage it."

Gabriel was getting quite irritated with his brother by now.

"Listen up Castiel….unless you're willing to come clean and tell all to Dean-O, we're going with this plan. You've already shot down every other suggestion I've had so this is it."

Castiel rolled his eyes. "Really? Locking him in a whorehouse overnight was a valid course of action?"

"Was that sarcasm? You know I don't feel appreciated here. Why don't I leave you to chat with your boyfriend this evening?"

There was a moment of silence before Castiel asked. "What do I do now? What happens next?"

Gabriel gave Castiel a wry look.

"Pack your overnighter. We'll wait for Dean to get home and then we'll get this mission started."

Gabriel offered Cas a smile but Cas was not reassured. He shook his head in resignation.

"This is going to end badly."

* * *

**Chapter 10:**  

* * *

"Winchester!"

The voice was unknown. It was nothing more than an echo in the darkness really. Dean wondered for a second why it was dark and then it occurred to him to open his eyes. His consciousness however felt strangely detached from his body, so working the muscles in his eyelids to get them open took considerable effort. He got them opened just a crack before shutting them tight with a grimace. The blue-white lighting of where ever the hell he was, hurt like a son of a bitch. He tried again, but more slowly this time, and as the brightness sneaked past his lashes, Dean became aware of two things. First he was horizontal and secondly, he was about to fall off the bench he was occupying.

"Winchester!"

There was that voice again. Louder this time, it bounced around the inside of his head, feeling very much like the word was coated in spikes. Dean carefully pushed himself upright and managed to get his eyes open. He took in his surroundings and then promptly closed them again. He counted to ten – slowly – and then opened them again. What the hell?

"Winchester. The charges have been dropped. You're free to go."

The cop unlocking the holding cell looked up at him still sitting there. He looked a little impatient as if he was hoping Dean would be aggressive and give him a reason to get rough.

"Wha-what?"

It was the best Dean could do with a brain that refused to work properly and no clue as to why he was in jail. The cop rolled his eyes.

"C'mon Winchester. I don't have all day for this. Get your ass out of here."

So this cop was probably not a source of answers. Dean got up and began walk out of the holding cell. As he passed by the policeman however, the cop growled at him.

"You ever pull a stunt like last night again and I'm going to have you in chains."

"Ooh you kinky bastard," came the quick retort. "Sadly I'll have to pass. My boyfriend is the jealous type."

"Oh yeah? Your boyfriend is a maniac. I hope I never see the two of you again. That asshole had the entire station in chaos last night."

What? Cas? Was he okay? What happened? Why didn't Dean remember any of it? He needed to get out of there and get to Cas. He kept walking.

"You know Winchester, your choice of partners really surprised me."

He stopped walking. He turned around and eyed the cop menacingly.

"Was that a homophobic comment Officer? You think I shouldn't, maybe, have a boyfriend?"

Dean's voice was soft but threaded with steel. The policeman looked taken aback by the questions.

"What? No. Don't be ridiculous douchebag. I just think your choice of boyfriend leaves much to be desired. The guy is an asshole and you don't strike me as the flaming drama queen type."

Dean stepped forward, reaching for the cop, ready to smash his face in for insulting Castiel. Yeah he'd probably land right back in that cell but nobody talks about Cas that way. He was just about to lay his hands on the cop when a screeching voice stopped him dead in his tracks.

"Baaaaaaabbbbyy! Thank God you're alright! I've been so worried Love."

Gabriel? Dean turned around and sure enough it was Gabriel walking towards him acting for all the world like an over anxious flamingly rainbow-wearing boyfriend. What the hell was going on? Nothing made sense anymore. Dean closed his eyes yet again and took a deep breath and willed himself to wake up. This had to be nightmare, right? Once again his brain asked _Where the hell was Cas?_

Gabriel led him out of the station, muttering phrases of concern and faux affection all the way. Dean let him. It gave him a chance to pull his thoughts together and clear his head. He remembered visiting the cemetery and chatting with Sam. He remembered picking out a pair of simple gold wedding bands at an antiques store he knew. He remembered stopping for some liquid courage before he made his way home. And he remembered finding Cas and Gabriel at the apartment when he got there. That was it. Somehow he had gone from dinner at home with Cas and Gabriel to …he glanced at a clock on the wall as he passed by… to waking up in a police station 5:30 pm the next day and he had absolutely no recollection of anything in between.

The minute Dean and Gabriel got outside the station, Dean grabbed Gabriel's arm and slammed him hard back against the wall.

"What the hell is going on Gabe?"

Still in character (which he obviously enjoyed playing) Gabriel responded "What do you mean Honey Bunch? Let's go home. I'll play nurse and kiss your Ouchies better."

Dean released him only to suddenly slam him back against the wall.

"Ow! What the fuck Dean? That hurt!"

Dean didn't have much patience to begin with and his throbbing head effectively killed what little he did had.

"What the fuck? Well Gabriel, how about you and I play fill-in-the-blank? There's just the one blank. It starts from about 7 o'clock last evening to oh….five minutes ago. Why does everyone think you're my boyfriend and where the hell is my actual boyfriend?"

Gabriel's eyes darted away before coming back to Dean. He sighed in resignation and casting the flaming boyfriend persona aside he answered,

"I'll give you some answers but how about we get in the car first. We can talk as I drive you home."

It was a short but tense drive home. Gabriel stalled for as long as he could but Dean was persistent.

"It's all my fault, Dean," Gabriel began.

Dean snorted. He had no trouble believing that. From the stories Cas had told him, if Gabriel was involved, trouble wasn't too far away.

"My brother was really worried about you, given that it's a significant if tragic anniversary for you. Cassie was concerned that you might find yourself inebriated to the point of causing damage to yourself, to others and possibly some property damage as well. He was mostly concerned about you hurting yourself."

Gabriel paused to let that sink in.

"So….being the awesome brother and kind hearted soul that I am, I thought that I would help out and I guess...umm... incapacitate you to the point that no harm could be done by you."

"What? What the hell does that mean Gabriel?"

"It means the pie I brought for you may have been laced with something extra to help you get a good night's rest and some very pleasant dreams."

It took a second before realisation hit.

"YOU DRUGGED ME?" Dean was livid.

"Just a little," Gabriel sounded miffed. "You know, you and my brother are perfect for each other. You both share an astonishing lack of appreciation for my concerned nature and caring ways."

"YOU DRUGGED ME?"

"Only a little," Gabriel replied "And it was only to help you sleep through the night without remembering all the bad stuff. Sheesh! I meant well."

Gabriel pulled into a parking spot outside Dean's building and turned off the ignition. Twisting so he faced Dean a little he continued,

"It worked too. Within minutes you were nodding off."

"Then how the hell did I end up in a holding cell at the police station?"

There was silence. Dean waited and waited and waited.

"Gabriel, how did I end up in jail?" he asked again.

Gabriel fiddled with the keychain hanging off the key in the ignition slot. Dean could see him trying to come up with a plausible story. It probably would have been a good story but it also would not have been true. He was tired, confused and grumpy as hell.

"Gabriel" He made the name sound like a threat. "Stow whatever crap you're about to come up with and tell me the truth."

"Okay fine." Gabriel gave up. Cassie was on his own from here on out.

"It seemed to work fine at first. You were falling asleep just like you were supposed to. It really did look like you were down for the count. We helped you to bed. I was going to stay over just to keep an eye on you anyhow so I settled my fine self on the couch with a blanket. After about 15 minutes, you woke up and scared the living daylights out of me."

"You kept mumbling about an important something - event, question, who knows. You weren't very coherent. Now there was no way you should have woken up, but you did, and you seemed to have a bad reaction to the pie. You were aggressive and then sad and then aggressive again. You kept calling for Cassie and when you couldn't find him in the apartment, you decided to go looking for him. I tried to stop you but my efforts may have been a little sidetracked by how entertaining the whole thing was."

"Anyway, to cram the whole night into a single minute….you kissed an old lady, got thrown out of three bars, peed in a mailbox and had started to beat the crap out of me when the cops turned up. I could have talked them into letting you go but I figured your being in the tank was the safest option for you and those around you at the time – namely me."

"Anyway I spent all night at the station with you alternating between pressing charges and being overwhelmed by my undying love for you. It drove the cops crazy. Funniest thing ever. I wonder if they have video footage. I'd love to see it."

Dean took a slow breath and counted to ten. He did that a lot when hanging around Gabriel.

"This morning I had some stuff to take care of but this afternoon I came back for you. You were still out however. We waited for you started to show signs of waking up. No harm no foul. Right Dean-O?"

"Why couldn't I find Castiel last night?"

That stopped Gabriel cold. He was doing so well with the story. Trust Dean to pick up on the one thing he was hoping would go unnoticed. He bit his lip.

"Where is Cas now, Gabriel?"

Gabriel said nothing. What could he say? He'd promised Cas not to tell Dean about the hospital.

"Okay then," said Dean when he realised that Gabriel was not going to answer. "I have two questions for you. Where is Castiel? Did he know of your plan to drug me?"

Gabriel's silence was deafening.

After a few minutes Dean opened the door and got out of the car. Leaning down into the doorway, he looked hard at Gabriel.

"So in the last 24 hours, I've been drugged with my boyfriend's consent, who then took off and let me get arrested, spend the night in jail and couldn't be bothered to at least turn up to make sure there were no side effects to the drugs he slipped me."

" _I_ slipped you. Not Cassie. Cassie didn't put anything in the pie."

Dean scoffed.

"But he knew, right?"

"Wait and talk with him Dean. Talk with Cassie. He loves you."

Dean slammed the door shut and headed up to his apartment. He felt numb. He wasn't sure whether it was because of the residual drugs in his system or because he wasn't sure what to feel. Castiel Novak had a hell of a lot of explaining to do.

* * *

**Chapter 11:**  

* * *

  Castiel stood outside the door to the apartment, duffle bag in hand. It was the same bag he'd brought with him that first night he slept there. When he'd left with it the night before, he couldn't help but wonder if he was going out the way he came in - a few meager possessions in this bag, the bag in his hand. He hoped not. On the other side of this door lay all of his happiest memories. On the other side of the door lay all of his hopes for the future.

He should have known better than to go along with anything Gabriel suggested. When had a 'Gabriel plan' ever gone well? Umm….never. That's when. He really wasn't surprised when he got the phone call from his brother explaining everything that had happened to Dean and the conversation he'd had with Dean about those events. Castiel had known from the start that it was going to end badly. At this point he just hoped it hadn't ended completely.

He was about to pull out his key and go in when the door suddenly opened in front of him. Dean was standing there, to the side, gesturing him in.

"You gonna stand there all evening or are you coming in?" Dean asked before turning and walking away.

Castiel walked in and closed the door behind him. Dropping his bag on the floor he followed Dean into the living room. Dean sat in the recliner. There was a half finished beer in its bottle on the side table next to him. Dean picked it up and took a slow sip but instead of putting it back, he held it in his hands on his lap, picking at the label, pulling it off. He still hadn't looked at Castiel.

Cas shoved his hands in his jacket pocket. He still hadn't looked anywhere but at Dean.

"I'm sorry."

Silence.

"Dean, you have to believe me. I am so sorry."

"What are you sorry for Cas?" Dean's voice was soft. Castiel could hear the hurt in it. Worse, he could hear detachment.

He'd been trying so hard not to ruin things with Dean but he'd screwed it up anyway. He knew he owed Dean some answers but things were so complicated that there were no straight answers.

"You drugged me." Dean didn't sound angry. He just sounded resigned to whatever was about to come. That scared Castiel the most. He almost wished Dean would yell and scream and maybe break a few things. Anger implied passion. Passion was good. Passion meant he cared. The deadened tone to Dean's voice did not imply caring.

"You drugged me Cas. And you abandoned me to Gabriel. I'm sure you already got the low down from your brother as to the night I had. How could you do this to me? Why did you do this?"

Dean was looking right at Cas then. In fact his eyes didn't leave Cas's as he took another sip of the beer.

"Where did you go Cas?" he asked. "What was so important that you left me alone and drugged up on the first anniversary of my brother's death?"

"Dammit Cas! Answer me. Don't stand there saying nothing. Where did you go? What was more important that you'd stoop to deceit?"

"ANSWER ME!"

Castiel flinched as Dean finally exhibited signs of anger. Dean got up and walked to Castiel. Standing face to face, he looked at Castiel, his eyes demanding answers.

Castiel caught between wild panic and perverse desire acted without thinking and grabbed Dean's face with his hands and planted his mouth onto Dean's. He kissed him hard and for a second Dean began to kiss him back before remembering that he was supposed to be angry, that the was waiting on some answers. He pushed Castiel away hard.

"NO! You don't get to do that until I get some answers!" he cried out.

The force of Dean's push had Cas flying backwards. The side of his hip caught the edge of the sofa and in his weakened state he went down, falling behind it.

Dean waited for him to get up but he didn't. Dean could see his legs extended beyond the edge of the couch. There was some movement and a groan. Worry shot through him.

"C'mon Cas. I didn't push you that hard. Get up. We're not done talking."

From the movement of the legs, he could tell that Cas had rolled over onto his back. More sounds of pain came muffled from behind the couch.

Dean walked over ready to chew Cas out for trying to fake an injury as a way out of their talk but the expression on Cas's face was definitely not false. He was in a great deal of pain. What the hell? Dean knew he hadn't pushed him that hard.

He knelt next to Cas to help him up and that's when he noticed the dark stain spreading on Cas's pants, close to the groin area.

"Cas?" Dean was truly worried now.

He helped Cas to an upright position against his chest, on arm around his waist, the other holding his hand.

"Cas? What's going on? Is that blood?"

Castiel eyes were glassy.

"I love you Dean. I never meant to hurt you. I'm sorry I wasn't honest."

"Later Cas. What's happening to you now?"

Cas took a deep breath.

"I had a heart transplant. I go to the hospital for regular check-ups. They do blood tests, biopsies and stuff to make sure I'm good."

Dean was stunned. Cas had a heart transplant? His boyfriend who he lived with had had a heart transplant and he had no clue? What kind of person was he that he never knew this?

"Your t-shirt," he said. "That's why you're shy about your chest. You must have scars."

"Yes," Cas confirmed, "I was afraid you wouldn't want me."

"Oh Cas," Dean was so confused. "That's where you were?"

Cas nodded. "The last time you were in a hospital was with Sam. I didn't want you to…"

"You ass! You should have told me. I would have been there with you through this. I can't believe you think I wouldn't want you because of some scars. You think I'm shallow? Cas I love you, you moron. Last night was way worse than any scars you have or facing the hospital again."

He noticed the blood on Cas's pants continue to spread.

"Cas, you're bleeding in your groin area. What's happening? How do we stop it?"

"It's the catheter cover. Last night they did an extra test. A coronary angiogram. They had to shave and cut me down there to thread a catheter in my vein leading to my heart. An x-ray via dye thing. They plugged it close afterwards. I must have reopened it when I fell."

"Shit! I did this?" Guilt embraced Dean like an old friend. "Damn. I shouldn't have pushed you. I didn't know."

"No you didn't and that's my fault Dean." Cas's voice was firm. "I should have told you a long time ago. I'm sorry Dean."

The still spreading blood continued to worry Dean even if it were a slow spread.

"How do I stop the bleeding? What do I do?" he asked.

"We have to call 911. The bleeding alone isn't bad but they can't risk infection."

Dean lay Cas down carefully and rushed to the kitchen to grab a towel which he returned to press against Cas's groin. He positioned it carefully not caring that his fingers got bloody in the process. He took Cas's hand and pressed it on the cloth to keep it in place and then reached into his pocket to pull out his cell phone. He dialed rapidly and was soon speaking frantically to the operator on the other end.

Castiel however didn't hear a word Dean said. His eyes and attention were fixated on the two small bands of gold that had fallen out of Dean's pocket when Dean retrieved his phone. They were wedding rings. He switched hands on the cloth so that he could reach to where they had fallen on the carpet. As his fingers closed around them, he let out a long slow breath he hadn't realized he'd been holding. _Dean had bought them rings? He was going to propose?_ Whatever pain Castiel was feeling at that point faded as a host of other emotions overwhelmed him. Dean loved him enough to want to marry him.

Everything that his heart defect had cost him as a kid and a teen and a young man was worth the price for this. Everything it had kept him from experiencing was worth it because it led him to this beautiful human being who though that Cas was worth investing a lifetime with. He'd never thought he could have this but here they were with rings in hand.

Dean finished the call to find Cas looking at him weirdly. Cas lifted his hand and unfurled his fingers. The rings lay there in his palm, smudged with blood from his fingers. Now Castiel's eyes were the ones with questions.

Dean knelt beside him and took the rings from his hand. He slowly slipped one onto Cas's ring finger.

"I never want to be without you Cas. Even as angry as I was today, I was absolutely certain that I want to wake up next to you tomorrow and all our tomorrows. I know it's not legal in our state yet but it will be someday but in the meantime I want everybody to know we belong together and to each other. Will you wear this ring as a symbol of our love and our commitment to one another?"

He took Cas's hand and guided it so it slid the second ring onto his own ring finger.

"Will you allow me to wear this ring as a symbol of our love and our commitment to one another?"

Dean squeezed Castiel's hand in both of his and kissed the ring that Cas was now wearing.

Cas nodded before saying "Yes. I want forever with you Dean. I never want to know life without you."

Dean pulled him in for a passionate kiss and then held him close until the banging at the door meant the paramedics had arrived to take Cas back to the hospital. Only this time, Dean was there with him.

* * *

**Chapter 12:**  

* * *

The days that followed Cas's visit to the hospital were some of the happiest he's ever known. Dean took such exquisite care of him, Cas had never felt so loved and cherished. Dean was particularly tender with him. Cas was amazed at the ease with which Dean took to family life.

Dean met Castiel's mother for the first time when she began to visit them at the apartment, eager to make sure her son was fine after his double run to the hospital. They got along famously, Dean and Rachel feeling an immediate affinity for each other. As Rachel and Dean cooked together in his kitchen, she filled him in on what Cas was like as a child, and some of the antics he got himself into when he allowed Gabriel to influence him. Dean hadn't laughed that hard in ages. He also still wanted to throttle Gabriel for the harebrained schemes he'd pulled Castiel into. It was great to feel a part of family again.

He hadn't had that in so long he'd forgotten what it was like to have a mother. Spending time with Rachel and Gabriel and Cas reminded him of what had been missing in his and Sam's life and again he couldn't help feel a pang of regret that Sam wasn't there to share it with him. Sam was the best part of his life and he wasn't there for the happiest parts of Dean's life.

Dean glanced down to the flash of gold on his hand. He and Cas wore the rings all the time now. In his heart, he felt married. He'd felt committed to his relationship with Cas before the rings but it was as if the moment he'd felt the gold circle slide down the length of his finger into place, something inside his soul shifted into its proper place, unlocking a sense of being, a sense of completeness that had eluded him all his life. Nothing had changed in his life from before the exchange of rings and yet everything had changed.

He'd been joking that day at the cemetery when he told Sam he was saving himself for marriage. Turned out he wasn't lying though. Thinking back to the night they finally made love always made him blush. It was about two weeks after the hospital visit. Dean was in bed already when Cas came in from the bathroom. Cas had stood at the foot of the bed in his usual boxers and t-shirt when to Dean's surprise, he pulled the tee off, standing there bare chested in front of Dean for the first time. Dean had been simultaneously proud of Cas's courage and humbled by the scars that marked what Cas had gone through in his fight to live, the proof of what he'd survived to find his way to Dean.

Dean had crawled down the length of the bed to get to him. Kneeling on the mattress, he traced the length of the scar with his fingers. Cas had gasped and closed his eyes at the cool touch. Dean had wanted to say something reassuring to Castiel, something to let him know that the scars didn't matter. Only they did. They were badges of victory and his Cas was an incredible warrior to have out lived a bad heart. Mel Gibson's Braveheart would probably have an appropriate speech about bravery and victory and staring death straight in the face and winning against all odds. Dean did not. So he told Cas without words.

Holding his husband's hips in his hands, Dean pressed his lips against the base of the long scar and gently, tenderly kissed his way up the length of it. A soft moan escaped Cas's lips by the time he reached the top of the scar and it prompted him to not stop but to keep kissing his way up to Cas's collarbone and then across to the nape of his neck. Cas's head rolled back allowing Dean greater access which he made use of. He kept kissing and licking and nibbling until Cas, edgy with desire, grabbed Dean's head with his hands and anchored it for a brutal kiss. Dean returned the passion and then upped the ante by twisting and tumbling them both onto the bed, his mouth never leaving Cas's.

The loving that followed was awkward and messy and bloody uncomfortable at times, both men fumbling their way to a common rhythm, to mutual bliss. Afterwards they lay tangled in the sheets and each other, exhausted, sore and completely happy.

"Now I know why wedding nights are such a big deal" Dean had said to no one in particular. Cas had just chuckled and curled into Dean's side before slipping into sleep. As contentedly drained as he was, Dean didn't fall asleep for a long time. He just lay there, holding Cas, giving thanks to a God he hadn't believed in for years for the gift of his husband.

"I hope it's thoughts of my son that's putting that look on your face, Dean."

Rachel's voice brought Dean out of the memory and back into the kitchen with her.

"Your son, my husband….same awesome dude," Dean quipped.

Rachel laughed out loud and the sound of her laughter travelled to the living room where Gabriel was showing Castiel some online video clips on his laptop.

Gabriel glanced at the doorway to the kitchen.

"So Mom's just loving your boyfriend, isn't she?"

Castiel smiled. He'd never doubted for a second his family would love Dean. His sister Anna had married and moved to the Caribbean with her husband so it would be some time before she met Dean but she already knew all about him. His brother Michael had yet to meet Dean because of his busy schedule. The night they'd gone to the hospital, Michael was in surgery that had complications. By the time he was out, he and Dean had just missed each other.

"Husband. He's my husband."

"And does your _husband_ know where your heart came from?"

Gabriel was watching Cas warily. He already knew the answer to that question. He just couldn't believe that Cas hadn't told Dean everything yet.

"Hush Gabriel," Castiel warned quietly. "I will not have you stirring up trouble."

Gabriel looked affronted. "I'm stirring up trouble? Dammit Cassie, we've had this conversation before. We've kept the truth from him before. And guess what? You were right. It ended badly."

Gabriel's tone was quiet but urgent. Castiel knew Gabriel was right but the fear of losing what he had was just too great. He was no stranger to gambling everything he had. Heck, he'd gambled his life on experimental treatment and a heart transplant. But he hadn't valued his life back then. He didn't care if he lived or died then. Now there was Dean and Castiel wanted to live _and_ he wanted to live as Dean's husband. He wasn't willing to take a chance on losing this life they were building.

"It ended with Dean putting a ring on my finger," he retorted.

Gabriel shook his head at Cassie. Usually Gabriel was all for anything involving deception especially if there was some entertainment value to be found in it. Watching a lie by omission rip his favourite brother to shreds when it came to light was not going to be entertaining. It was going to be fucking heartbreaking.

"Tell your husband the complete truth," he told Castiel quietly.

Cas sighed. He had to find a way to make Gabriel understand.

"Dean knows I had a transplant. That's all that's relevant. I'm not even supposed to know the identity of the donor Gabriel. I could have lived my entire life not knowing where this heart came from. Dean and I could have a long and happy life, grateful for the use of this heart without ever knowing anything about its origins. Can't this be enough? No one apart from us knows the full story here. Why do we have to dredge up all that pain and destroy what future happiness Dean and I can build? It makes no sense to tell him Gabe."

Gabe had to concede that under normal circumstances the identity of the donor would not be an issue but these were not normal circumstances.

"Cassie, I hear what you're saying, I really do. Hell I hear all the little things you're not saying as well. But if you don't tell him and he finds out….well to borrow your catchphrase….this is going to end badly."

Cas titled his head and raised an eyebrow at Gabriel.

"Since we've already established that only you and I know the full truth and I certainly won't be saying anything, how exactly is he going to find out brother?"

Gabriel put his hands up in a defensive gesture.

"Whoa there bro. I promise you I will not say anything at all, but.."

"Then we're good," Cas interrupted him, guilt making him weary of the conversation.

"Cas…" Gabriel tried again.

"I said we're good here." Cas's voice was firm.

"You boys okay?" From the doorway of the kitchen, Dean watched them both suspiciously.

Cas froze. Did he hear anything? If so, how much?

"We're fine," Gabriel answered for them both.

"You sure?" Dean persisted. "From here it looked like you were arguing."

"We're sure Dean," Cas found his voice. "We're good; usual brotherly nonsense."

"Okay then. The food'll be out in 5 minutes".

Dean made his way back into the kitchen. Gabriel followed him in, pausing at the door to look back at Cas with a warning in his eyes. The gold band on Cas's finger suddenly felt heavier than before.

* * *

**Chapter 13:**  

* * *

Michael Novak was often a very misunderstood man. He often thought that only his mother truly understood him. Then again she was the only one who knew what it was like for him when his father disappeared. Anna, Gabriel and Castiel were much younger than he, and when he stepped up to the role of male leadership in the family, he'd done such a good job that his siblings sometimes forgot he gave up his youth so they could keep theirs. At 39 years of age, he was married to his job as a surgeon, unable to sustain any meaningful relationships and seriously reconsidering his life choices.

He was late again; this time for a party that he organized. Not that anyone would be surprised that he was late or even if he didn't turn up at all. _Oh that's Michael_ , they'd say. _You know how he is. We'll probably have a better time if he doesn't turn up._

He knew that most people considered him to be heartless, rude and arrogant. What they didn't realize was that detachment and lack of emotion were as essential to a successful outcome in his field as his medical training and experience. Getting emotional and empathetic did not help a patient. In fact it often did the opposite – clouding judgment and impeding accurate diagnostics and prescriptions. He was good at what he did because of who and how he was.

The blemish on his record of detachment was with his brother Castiel. Michael loved Castiel. Anna and Gabriel both had independent rebellious streaks a mile wide. Castiel was always the good brother. From the minute he was born, even with a defective heart that screamed _Don't get attached or you'll get hurt,_ he loved him most, which is why he was really put out about being late for the party.

He'd heard so much about Castiel's partner lately. It was all his family could talk about. Dean this or Dean that. The only thing that mattered though was how happy he made Castiel. Michael could see it in the smile that was permanently etched on Castiel's face these days. He could see it in the way Castiel held himself up a little straighter, the way he had more strength in his voice, the way his laughter echoed louder. Castiel was really blissfully happy with Dean Winchester. Last week Castiel had visited him to let him know he was going to go to school part time with the aim of eventually becoming a lawyer.

"A lawyer, Castiel?" Michael had asked. "That's very ambitious."

He had no doubt his baby brother could succeed at anything he put his mind too but he liked needling him, provoking Castiel's new found confidence into evidence.

"Yes brother," Castiel had responded. "I've already talked it over with Dean and he's willing to support me in this. We know it will take some time but I'll be taking it slow. We can make this work. I've been going through his brothers old books. I'm excited, Michael, about this."

He was excited; more so than Michael had ever seen him. For the first time in over two decades, his little brother was looking forward to life and living. Michael wanted to hug Dean Winchester for the joy he'd brought to Castiel, which was why he was ticked with himself for being late yet again.

When he got to his mother's house, the party was in full swing. The house was full of cousins and friends, all there to meet Castiel's husband. He could hear the music and laughter as he pulled up to the curb. Walking in, he was stopped repeatedly by family members with greetings and mundane questions. As he answered these, his eyes searched over their heads for signs of Castiel and Dean. He hadn't realized that he'd been doing it until his Aunt Naomi took offence and reprimanded him for it. Offering apologies, he begged his leave and took off in search of his brother.

Half an hour later, he was frustrated, irritated and had begun snapping at the people who waylaid him. He still hadn't found Castiel and Dean, though he did see just about every other member of his family. His mother assured him they were around somewhere before pressing the phone into his hand, forcing him to have a 10 minute conversation with Anna who hadn't been able to fly in for the celebration. After that, relative after relative tried to either get free medical advice or set him up with the daughter of a friend.

Having decided he'd had enough, Michael made his way to the backyard, in search of "The Thinking Bench". His mother's backyard was quite deep and well cared for. At the very edge of the property, she'd created a mini garden that surrounded a bench and a small two-seater bistro set. When he was younger and weighed down by the burdens of life, his mother would send him down to the bench to collect his thoughts and free space in his mind. He'd hated it at first but it grew to be a place of refuge for him. Some nights he'd come by to just sit by himself on the bench, look up at the house and find peace.

It was exactly what he needed. Shrouded in darkness with only the barest of lights from the house reaching the bench, Michael sighed in contentment as he watched the activity at the house. At such peace was he, he didn't realize that he wasn't alone until a discreet cough alerted him to the young man sitting at the bistro set. It was too dark to see faces clearly but from the size and shape of the man, Michael could not place him as a family member.

"You must be Dean," he said.

The stranger got up and shook his hand.

"Yes," he replied.

"Since everyone knows everyone apart from me, easy call on your part so no points awarded to you." Dean continued with a smile. "Which relative are you?"

Rather than returning to the bistro set, Dean sat down on the bench next to Michael. They both stared straight ahead at the house.

"Michael. I'm Michael."

"The eldest brother?"

Michael nodded. Dean saw the action out of the corner of his eye.

"Good to finally meet you man. I have to say, after spending time with Gabriel, I was ready to meet the different brother. Cas speaks highly of you"

"Cas?" Michael asked. "You call him Cas? I like it. What does he call you?"

"Dean." Came the dry response.

Michael laughed out loud. He hadn't laughed in a long time. The most anyone or anything ever got out of him anymore was a smile. Even when he got the news that Castiel's body was not rejecting the new heart, his response was a wide grin when the everyone else had been giggling like school girls. But he was happier that night. All he'd ever wanted was his family to be whole and happy and Castiel's giddy bliss was infectious.

"So Dean," he began, "tell me why you're hiding out here..."

The two men sat in the garden for almost half an hour talking with, and learning about, each other. Though they were very different men and probably could not be easy friends under any other circumstances, their common love for Castiel was a great place to start building a bond. They shared stories, asked questions and were so engrossed in their talk, they did not realize how much time had passed until Gabriel came looking for them.

"There you guys are. Mom's looking for you both," he said. "What are you up to?"

"We're getting to know each other," Michael responded. "It's not every day I get a brother-in-law."

"Especially one that's married to your favourite brother." There was no bitterness to Gabriel's words but a smile in the tone that hinted to Cas being his favourite as well. "Well get your asses up to the house now. I'll go tell Mom and Cassie you two found each other."

Gabriel turned and left. The two men got up dusted off their clothes and followed his steps.

It wasn't until they were on the back patio where the lighting was better that they got their first real look at each other. They stopped, looked at each other and both paused with their thoughts.

_Castiel has got himself a handsome young man_ , Michael thought as he took in the dark blonde hair, green eyes and broad shoulders. Dean was wearing a suit but no tie. He looked good. Really good. Michael smiled warmly at Dean but his smile faltered when he realized that Dean was looking at him with a frown.

"I know you." Dean's tone was accusing.

"Of course you do," Michael replied. "We just spent the last 30 minutes getting to know each other."

"That's not what I meant." Dean's voice was definitely sounding hostile. "I remember you."

Michael searched his brain for where he could have met this young man but unsurprisingly came up empty. Michael rarely paid attention to anyone or anything that did not come under his knife. His rationale was that cluttering up his brain with information not related to saving his patients served no good purpose. He needed to have the library of information in his head streamlined for speedy access.

"Sheesh. You don't have a clue do you?"

Michael had to agree that he didn't.

Dean raked his finger through his hair and took a couple steps away. Michael watched as he lowered his hand and then flexed his fingers as if instinctively making fists before forcing himself to release them. Dean turned back to Michael.

"You're the douchebag doctor that couldn't wait to carve up my brother last year."

It took a second for him to understand what Dean was saying.

"Wait, I harvested your brother's organs?"

His words seemed to upset Dean even more.

"Harvested? _Harvested?_ " Dean's voice was beginning to get louder. "My brother was not some crop to be harvested. He was a real person, with a life and with hopes and dreams and people who loved him. His blood was still warm when you hacked him up."

Dean's voice began to break. "I hadn't even started dealing with the fact that my baby brother was dead when you took him away to do your slice and dice. You didn't even seem sorry. All he was to you was a bunch of spare parts that you couldn't wait to get your hands on."

Michael thought back. He only done harvesting a few times in his career and the last time he did it was a year ago when they got Castiel's heart. He remembered getting the news that the donor was a match; that not only was there a heart available for Castiel but it was right in his very own hospital. He'd become single minded in his focus. All he wanted was to get that heart into his little brother as quickly as possible. Was it wrong that he didn't remember talking with the brother of the deceased as he tried to expedite the process? He wasn't sure that he could say it was. There was a limited window of opportunity once a heart stops beating before organs became unusable. It wasn't as if the deceased was brain dead. That would have given them time because the heart would still have been functioning. However Castiel's donor was cardiac dead not brain dead. Michael hadn't had the time Dean wanted, needed, to grieve.

"Your brother was a registered organ donor Dean. I was merely carrying out his wishes. Giving you additional time would only have rendered his organ useless. It needed to be done…"

He felt the blow to his jaw rather than saw it coming. As he picked himself off the floor, Dean stabbed a finger in his face.

"You're an unfeeling ass. Tell your brother I went home because I couldn't stand the company around here."

Michael stood there watching Dean leave. He reviewed Dean's words in his head and wondered if he could have handled that differently and how he was going to explain it to Castiel. He didn't get much time to prepare though because Rachel and Castiel came out to the back patio just then. Castiel looked around for Dean but did not see him.

"Where's Dean?" he asked. "Gabriel said you two were out here catching up."

Michael lifted his head to look at his brother. The slight pink of what would later become an ugly bruise was still too faint to be noticed but the look on his face and in his eyes was warning enough that something had happened.

"Michael?" Cas asked cautiously. "What's happened? What's going on?"

"Dean had to leave. He said to tell you he's gone home."

"What?" That made no sense at all to Castiel. Dean wouldn't leave without him or at the very least without telling him.

Michael reached across for his mother's hand. She gave it automatically, covering their linked hands with her other hand and squeezing for support. She didn't know what had happened between Dean and Michael but she could see her son was upset beneath his cool unaffected façade.

"Castiel, Dean recognized me as the doctor who harvested his brother's organs. I may have been less than empathetic to his situation at the time in my haste to procure a matching transplant heart for you."

Rachel gasped and turned to Castiel, placing one hand on his chest over his scar.

Castiel felt as if that light touch had pushed all the air out from his lungs. Panic lodged itself in his throat and choked him.

"You have his brother's heart, Castiel?" Rachel's voice trembled. It was hard to determine if it was a statement or a question coming from her. He couldn't answer either way. His eyes were locked onto that of his older brother, asking questions. _What words were said? What does Dean know exactly? Can you help me fix this?_

"I'm sorry Castiel" was all Michael would say though. "I'm sorry."

The increasingly visible bruise on Michael's jaw caught Castiel's eye and his panic intensified. Dean had resorted to violence. That had to mean Castiel's day of reckoning had come.

"I'm sorry Castiel" Michael's voice sounded like an echo inside his head. His mother started crying softly but Michael and Castiel just stood there looking at each other as if frozen.

The backdoor opened and Gabriel came bounding out.

"What are you guys all doing out here? I didn't miss anything did I?"

* * *

**Chapter 14:**

* * *

Dean was pretty much three sheets to the wind by the time Castiel got home. Yet again, Castiel paused outside the door to the apartment wondering what lay in store for him on the other side, before opening it and walking through. When he got inside he found that Dean had discarded his jacket and shirt, his shoes and socks, and was sitting in the living room drinking directly from the whiskey bottle.

He didn't know exactly what to say to Dean, how to start the conversation but Dean took care of that for him.

"Hey Cas!" Dean sounded too cheery for it to be anything other than the alcohol.

Castiel shrugged out of his own jacket and unbuttoned his cuffs as he sat down on the sofa next to Dean.

"So…I met your douchebag brother," Dean continued. "Did he tell you?"

"Yes Dean. Michael told me."

"Don't say his name!" Dean shouted. "Don't say his name in this house. He hacked up my baby brother."

Dean sounded like he'd been crying. Castiel cringed at the thought of Dean alone in the dark with a bottle of whiskey, crying at the loss of his brother. One year later and they were back at the beginning. He stretched his hand across and squeezed Dean's thigh as a gesture of support, not knowing what else to do. It was the right thing apparently. Dean put the bottle down on the floor and curled into a fetal position, his head on Castiel's lap. Cas threaded his fingers through Dean's hair, comforting him through touch if not words.

"I still miss him so much Cas." Dean's voice was soft. "When he died, it was as if a cannon ball had ripped right through me and I was walking around with this huge hole in me and I could feel the pain of it, the loss of this part of me, every second of every minute of every fucking day Cas."

Dean sniffed.

"The pain dulled eventually but it never went away. I always felt it, all the time and for a while the pain became my friend. As long as I felt it, I was being true to Sam. I wasn't forgetting him. It had always been the two of us. And then it was me and the pain of his death. So in a way, a totally fucked up way I know, it was still me and Sam. The hurt kept him with me. But then I forgot him Cas. How could I forget him?"

Castiel frowned. "Forgot him? Dean, you've never forgotten him."

"But I have. I have forgotten him. I would think about him 24 hours a day. Now I'm thinking about what colour to paint the bathroom, or what we should have for dinner or how happy I am when I wake up and you're next to me. Dammit Cas, I've been so busy being happy that I forgot Sam wasn't here to be happy with me."

"Dean, you're living. That's all. You're doing things that living entail. Sam would want that for you. There is nothing wrong with being happy. Sam would never want you to be unhappy."

"But I don't deserve this!"

"Dean.."

"No! I don't. Sam is the one who should be living a long and happy life. Not me. I can't believe I forgot that. Do you know at the party tonight, I hadn't thought of Sam once? Usually I'd think _, Oh Sam would love this_ or _Sam would have found this hilarious… pathetic… stupid_ …pick your adjective. But not once Cas, not once did I think of him. I was too busy enjoying a party held for me, stupid selfish me."

"Then when I saw Douche Doctor's face it all came crashing back. I spent months hating Douche Doctor's face. When I closed my eyes at night, if it wasn't Sam's lifeless body in a pool of his own blood, it was your brother's face I'd see, not a hint of sympathy. Fuck Cas. I'm not good with people but there was something about him that seemed almost happy that Sam was dead. He didn't do anything or show it in anyway real way but it was like I could tell he was excited. He couldn't wait to cut into Sammy."

Dean started sobbing at that point but Castiel, who'd been gently stroking him until then, felt frozen solid. He could understand Michael's reaction to the possibility of a matching donor – they'd almost given up hope of finding one by then and Castiel wouldn't have lasted much longer. Sam's heart had been a gift. But hearing Dean's perspective was like putting his soul through a meat grinder.

Michael and Dean weren't that different. In fact they were remarkably similar. They both had to grow up too young, assuming the responsibility of an absent father. They both loved their baby brothers to distraction and spent their lives trying to take care of their sibling. It was well known in the Novak's house that the only reason Michael pushed himself through medical school the way he did, was because he wanted to take care of Castiel. They both would do whatever it took, without apology, to ensure their brother's well-being.

Cas couldn't allow Dean to think unfairly of Michael. Not after everything Michael had done for him. It wasn't right.

"Dean, what Michael did was his job. He did not do anything wrong and if you were in his position you would not have done anything differently."

"The hell you say!" Dean retorted. "Even if he had a patient, chest open, waiting for my brother's parts, it doesn't mean…"

Dean's words trailed off as a possibility he hadn't considered before kicked him in the consciousness.

He sat up and looked at Castiel, weighing the words he'd just uttered in his mind. Neither men said a word as Dean's eyes left Castiel's face and drifted downward towards his chest. Castiel remained perfectly still as Dean leaned over and began unbuttoning Cas's shirt, yanking it loose from his pants and spreading it open, baring his chest.

Dean stared silently at the scars on Castiel's chest. Then he reached out and traced the hard ridge with his fingers. Lifting his fingers off the mark, he curled them into a tight fist.

His eyes still fixated on the scar, he asked Castiel

"When did you get your transplant Cas?"

His voice was almost a whisper and it reminded Cas of the time when he was nine and his heart had failed. He'd woken up connected to machines in the hospital that were doing what his heart should have been and he'd been so very scared.

"Am I going to die?" he'd asked his mother, his voice trembling with the weight of his fear.

Dean's voice trembled with the fear of what Cas's answer might be. Castiel's voice trembled with the fear of what his answer might bring.

"A year ago."

"A year ago." Dean repeated.

"Yes. I got his heart. Sam's heart."

Dean traced his fingers over Cas's scar again but this time with awareness. He pressed his palm flat against Cas chest, hoping for something but feeling nothing. His vision blurred and a tear spilled out the corner of his eye. Nothing. Still nothing. Then Castiel placed his hand over Dean's and shifted it slightly, repositioning it and pressed down firmly.

There it was. It was faint but Dean could feel the steady beat of his brother's heart emanating from Cas's chest. Sam's heart. Sam's heart beating. Sam's heart beating like it did in Sam.

Once when Dean had visited Sam in California, Sam had convinced him to try surfing. A huge wave had gotten the better of him, knocking the solid feel of the board out from under him, the strong current tossing and turning him as if he were a piece of clothing in a rinse cycle in the washing machine. As he fought his way back to the surface, back to land and air, he'd thought he was going to drown.

That's how he felt in that moment. All that emotion was more powerful than a stupid ocean wave and Dean was going to drown in it.

He pulled his hand out abruptly from under Castiel's and jumped up from the sofa to pace angrily around the living room.

Castiel stayed where he was with his hand where it was on his chest, on Sam's heart. He waited for Dean to get his thoughts together. He waited for Dean to erupt.

"You knew from the start didn't you?" Dean's voice was calm, questioning but emotionless.

Castiel nodded.

"I met you at his grave. You knew exactly who he was, you knew exactly who I was to him. You knew!"

Dean's voice rose a little on the last two words. Castiel nodded again.

"You knew and you never told me."

Castiel didn't nod. He didn't move a muscle. He just braced himself for what was next.

"How could you not tell me Cas? You listened to me talk about him; about what the loss of him did to me; about how much I missed him. You never said a word."

"A part of him was with me. It was like he was sleeping in the bed next to me and you NEVER FUCKING TOLD ME!"

Cas flinched and Dean felt a strange satisfaction at that. He felt as if a hellhound had chewed him into ground meat and spit him back out. He was hurting and miserable and everybody knows misery loves company.

"It wasn't him sleeping next you Dean. That was me." Castiel was very pleased at how steady his voice sounded.

"Was it? Who are you Castiel? Who the hell is Castiel Novak?"

"I'm your husband Dean. I love you."

"Don't talk to me about love! You know nothing about love. Since we've been together you've lied to me, you've drugged me, you let me end up in jail. You know nothing about love."

"I know what you taught me Dean. And I'm still learning." Cas stood up and walked over to Dean. "Please don't give up on me."

Dean walked away from him, angry and confused. His guilt from forgetting Sam from earlier, fueled his rage. He could blame this all on Castiel. Castiel made him betray the memory of Sam. Castiel distracted him and made him forget. Castiel stole Sam's heart, and then he stole Sam's room. Fuck he was going to be a lawyer like Sam, he was even stealing Sam's career. Unforgivable though was trying to steal Dean from Sam. That's what he did. He was stealing Dean and soon it'd be like Sam never existed.

Dean swooped down, picked up the whiskey bottle and threw it hard, smashing it against the wall.

"The very heart of him," dean cried. "You have the very heart of him and you pretended. You pretended with me. I fucking married you and it was all lies! What the hell is wrong with you?"

"Dean, please…"

"No shut up! Shut Up! You stole his life. You took his heart and that wasn't enough? You wanted every trace of his life? He lived here so you do? He read certain books so you do? He was a lawyer so you'll be a lawyer? I remember now how obsessed you were with finding out about him. You sick freak. Trying to be him, doing everything he did."

"Did he fuck you too Dean because I've certainly been doing that haven't I?"

Castiel wasn't sure where the anger propelling that statement came from. He'd been standing there listening to Dean destroy and denigrate everything they'd shared and it popped out surprising him.

It must have surprised Dean as well because he stood absolutely still. When he spoke Castiel could have sworn his lips didn't move.

"Get out." It was said quietly, direct and brooked no argument.

Castiel couldn't believe what he'd heard.

"What? Dean, no..."

He walked over to Dean and reached out for his arm. Dean stepped back, out of reach and glared at Castiel with eyes so angry it hurt Cas just to look at them.

"You heard me. Get out."

He walked backwards and away from Castiel.

"Take your lies and get the fuck out of my house."

Castiel felt as if someone had taken a knife to his chest. He rubbed at it as if to push away the pain. Dean's eyes followed the movement and for a second Cas thought he saw a softening in them.

"Dean, please. Let's talk this out"

He was wrong. Dean lifted those angry eyes to his again.

"I'm not talking to you anymore. Everything coming past those pretty lips aren't worth the time it takes to hear them. Now get out of my house and get out of my life."

Castiel stood rooted to the spot. He couldn't leave Dean. He couldn't leave this life he'd built. He had no life without him. Tears streaming down the sides of his face, he tried again.

"Please Dean, you have to understand…"

"Oh I understand all right," Dean sounded cruel now. "Here's what I understand. I understand that you've lied to me and played me for as long as I've known you. I understand that you're only alive because my brother is dead. I understand that you've fed off and benefitted from my loss and grief like some sicko vampire."

Dean walked up to him and stabbed a finger at his bare chest, pressing into him like a spear.

"I understand that if you don't leave right now, taking my brother's heart with you, I'm going to open up your chest and take it back from you and you can leave here in a body bag without it."

Castiel gasped.

"Now do _you_ understand?" Dean's voice was quiet, lethal.

"I understand," whispered Cas.

Dean nodded and turned around, heading to the bedroom, slamming the door once he got there. Cas just stood in the darkness, hand over heart, crying for what was lost.

* * *

**Chapter 15:**  

* * *

In the days after Dean kicked him out Castiel often thought it was funny that his doctors and family had been so concerned about his rejecting Sam's heart possibly leading to his death, when it was Dean's heart rejecting him that nearly killed him.

That night after Dean's brutal denunciation of him and their relationship, Castiel found himself outside Michael's door. He couldn't go back to his mother's just in case there were relatives still there and as much as he loved him, Gabriel just exuded too much energy for Castiel to find comfort and peace. So he made his way to Michael's house and sat on his porch until Michael came home. If Michael was surprised to see him there, he didn't say a word. He just unlocked the door and waited for Castiel to come inside before closing it behind them.

Michael didn't ask him what happened or if he needed anything. He just made them some tea and sat in the darkness with Castiel until the sun came up and Castiel fell asleep. He managed to get Castiel into bed, fully dressed, taking only his shoes off. And in the hour or so he had left before having to leave for the hospital, he just stood in the doorway and watched his brother sleep the exhausted sleep of the emotionally drained.

At the hospital, Michael only stayed long enough to reschedule what he could and locate doctors to cover what he couldn't. Then he went home and called his mother, filling her in on Castiel's whereabouts before climbing into bed next to his brother and falling asleep himself.

Rachel wasted no time seeing her guests off. Then she put together a care package of home cooked food and headed out to help with the healing.

Dean looked like death warmed over when he opened the door to find Rachel standing there. Without waiting for an invitation, she waltzed past him and headed straight into the kitchen to unpack her basket. Dean followed her in.

"If you're here on Cas's behalf, I'm not ready to listen."

Dean sounded serious and cold but Rachel saw past his words and his tone. She took in his bloodshot eyes, his tear stained cheeks, his defensive stance and the slight, almost invisible tremble of his lower lip and her heart broke for her son-in-law.

Walking up to him, she cupped his face gently with one hand and very tenderly told him,

"Don't be silly Son. I'm here for you."

Dean's eyes were suspicious. He'd gone so long without caring and love, it was hard to trust it anymore.

"Why?" he challenged.

Rachel pressed a kiss to his forehead and looking his directly in the eye answered

"Because we're family Dean. This is what family does."

That was the straw that broke the camel's back. Dean wrapped him arms around his mother-in-law and disintegrated into body racking sobs, sounds of anguish and pain forcing their way out of his throat and past his lips. Rachel held him while he cried, eventually crying along with him.

She stayed with him for most of the day; fussing over him the way that Mothers tend to when their young ones are sick or hurting. Dean was grateful for her. Being alone was the one thing that scared him the most even if he never felt he deserved to be anything but alone. Dean also resented her. He resented that the source of all his agony, Sam's death, was also the source of love and comfort. Sam's death took away his only family and yet it gave him a family. He realized, as Rachel hummed busily around him, that therein lay the core of his affliction. Dean simply was unprepared and ill equipped to reconcile those two realities. And while he was certain that he loved Castiel, he wasn't certain that he'd ever be able to get to the point where he could get past everything that had happened.

He twisted his wedding band around finger as he wrestled with his thoughts. He'd kicked Castiel out after asking for and promising a forever together. Fuck! How does love get so off course? He needed distance though. Having Castiel around while he tried to come to terms with this would have been torture for them both. Every time he looked at him, he'd remember and when he remembered, he'd hurt him in response. No, it was better if he and Cas didn't see each other for a while. And if they didn't get back together…Dean looked at the ring on his finger…Cas would always be the husband of his heart.

.

At Michael's house, Cas had woken up late afternoon to find Michael reading a book in a chair next to the bed.

"Hey," his voice sounded raw and weak.

Michael looked up and smiled at his brother.

"Welcome back. How are you doing?"

Castiel glanced away from Michael which was answer enough for him. Michael closed his book and put it aside.

"This feels vaguely familiar," Castiel offered. "Me in a bed and you at my bedside concerned for my well-being…and I was so hoping we'd finally broken that pattern."

Michael frowned.

"That was an attempt at a joke brother" explained Castiel.

"I know. That felt vaguely familiar as well… you attempting to use humor as a way of distracting me from an awareness of the pain and discomfort you feel. I was hoping we'd broken _that_ pattern." Michael returned.

Castiel nodded an acknowledgement of his words.

"Can I stay here for a bit?" he asked Michael. "With you…is it okay if I stay here for a few days?"

"Of course. Stay as long as you need to. But don't hide away from the world Castiel. I'd just begun to enjoy watching you live. If your life is in turmoil, sort it out."

Castiel relived his last few moments with Dean in his mind. It was as ugly and as painful in memory as it was in actuality.

"I'm not sure this can be fixed. I've been dishonest with him from the start. He's hurting, badly. "

"You're hurting badly," Michael countered.

"He accused me of trying to live Sam's life. Living in Sam's home, family to Sam's family, following Sam's career path… I'm not sure he's wrong Michael. That's all I could think about last night. "

"Have you? You've become his husband not his brother."

Castiel tilted his head and though his eyes seemed to search Michaels face for answers, his brother understood that he was just sifting information through his head.

"No….not his brother. I must own however that I felt guilty that from birth I was destined for death and yet hale and healthy Sam was the one in the ground whilst his heart beat for me. I think I felt as if I owed him something…perhaps to live for him what he did not get the chance to. Does that make any sense?"

"No. You didn't know about Sam's heart until last night." Michael paused. "Didn't you?"

Castiel hung his head. "I've been dishonest with you as well Michael."

"Then let's have the truth brother. Tell me."

Castiel told him everything. How he used underhanded means to find out about his donor. How he met Dean at the cemetery. How he was looking for friendship and a chance to know Sam but found love instead. He also told him about the times he could have told Dean but opted not to. Michael listened in silence and without judgement.

"I think it will take some time for Dean to come to terms with everything," Castiel finished.

"Then let's give him the time he needs."

Castiel was confused. "What do you mean? He's my husband. I have a life with him. I need to fix this Michael."

Michael reached across and patted Castiel on the thigh.

"And fix it you will. But first how about you fix you?"

This earned Michael another puzzled look from Castiel.

"How about you take some time and figure out who you are and what your life will be? There are other ways to honour Sam Winchester than to live his life. Perhaps the best way would be to live yours to the fullest – whatever that may entail. So figure yourself out and give Dean some time to figure himself out. Then the both of you can make decisions about your future whether that's together or apart."

"Things are too raw. I don't know much about people but in surgery, before I can stitch up a wound, I have to make sure it's clean and prepped before beginning so that it heals properly and does not succumb to infection. I imagine it's the same with relationships. You both need some time to clear your head and rid yourselves of whatever toxins still poison your trust and your love. You need to prepare for a life together. Only then can you heal properly."

Castiel looked at Michael for a bit. He then sat up and swung his legs off the side of the bed. Sitting there, he leaned over and hugged his big brother.

"You're the best big brother in the world Michael. I love you."

Michael smiled as he patted Castiel on the back before breaking the hug. Getting up he motioned for Castiel to follow him out of the room.

"Let's go get something to eat and then call Mom, Cas."

Castiel stopped in his tracks.

"Michael."

Michael looked back questioningly.

"You called me _Cas_. Not Castiel but _Cas_."

Michael smiled at the baby brother who he loved so much.

"Well …I have a feeling that's who you are now?" He winked and continued out of the room.

Castiel smiled to himself thinking…

_Yes._

_I am Cas._

* * *

**Chapter 16:** Epilogue

* * *

The day was a beauty; clear skies, warm temperatures and bright sunshine. The atmosphere was a happy one and while he wasn't exactly happy, Dean Winchester was content. Standing at his brother's grave on the 2nd anniversary of Sam's death, he thought about all that had happened since that fateful day – all the things he'd lost and all the things he'd gained.

He'd been visiting the grave regularly over the past year. He didn't have a lot of friends to begin with but he never truly felt comfortable enough with the ones he had to confide in them. So he continued his habit of discussing his life with his brother. He found that it helped. There was value in saying things out loud, in hearing the words yourself.

He missed Sam.

Dean heard the man walk up behind him but did not turn around. He'd stopped looking back a while now. He couldn't keep searching for someone who wouldn't be there. How many times had his breath caught in his chest when he thought he saw….? How many times had he stood right in this very spot and wondered if he'd ever have company?

Surprisingly, his breathing was fine when he realised it was indeed Cas kneeling on the other side of the grave, placing a beautiful arrangement of flowers at the base of the headstone. Cas pressed a kiss to his fingers and placed them on the headstone as he passed on a silent message to Sam. Dean wondered what words he said.

Cas stood up and hands in his pockets in a stance similar to Dean's, looked at him. Both men eyed each other as if memorizing the details, searching for what was different, for what was the same.

"Hey Cas," Dean opened softly, "It's good to see you. Thanks for coming to see Sam."

Castiel glanced down to the grave before answering.

"Hello Dean. How have you been?"

"Good. I've been good."

Cas nodded. "I come to see him all the time, you know. He's become a friend of sorts over the last year. I talk to him about my life. What can I say; he's a very good listener."

Dean wondered about that. He wondered how many times he might have just missed seeing Cas here. He wondered what they would have said to each other if they had ever crossed paths. He wondered if things would have been different now.

"Rachel tells me you're enjoying school." Dean and Rachel still kept in touch. They'd meet up for dinner sometimes but mostly she called him to make sure he was doing okay.

Cas nodded.

"Yeah. I've decided on architecture. I've found that I have a talent for it."

Dean smiled. Rachel had already told him. She was quite open with information about Cas, sensing when Dean wanted ask, needed to know, and volunteering it rather than putting him through the torment of fishing for it. God how he loved Rachel. He was thankful for her presence in his life.

"Well, I'm sure you're gonna be awesome at it. There's probably nothing you can't do," Dean smiled.

_I couldn't fix us._ The thought came unbidden into Cas's mind before he could push it aside. It made him sad to acknowledge it.

"What have you been up to?" Cas was curious. He'd heard bits and pieces about Dean's life and activities from his mother but in the beginning it was too painful so he stopped her from talking about Dean. By the time he was ready to listen, she'd stopped offering. He could tell she was waiting for some sign from him, some clue that she could open up but Cas was so afraid that he wouldn't be able to listen without grieving that he never gave one.

"Rachel hasn't said anything?" Dean asked. Cas shook his head no.

"Well," Dean began, "I'm 251 days sober and proud of it."

"Apparently I'm not at my best after I've had a few," he joked, "and it wasn't an easy road but I think I've finally got that my drinking only makes things worse. I've been seeing a counselor for the last 6 months. He's been helping me work through my grief and anger issues. Seems those issues stem from long before Sam was killed."

Cas felt emotion ball up into a lump and lodge itself in his throat.

"I no longer work in construction. Still keep in touch with Benny and his family though. I've been working as a mechanic at Singer's Automotive over on Baker's Street. It's been great. I love what I do, I'm good at it and part of my pay is being used to gradually buy out the business from Bobby the owner."

_You seeing anyone?_ Cas wanted to ask but that lump in his throat pushed the question back down hard.

"How about you Cas? Apart from school, whatchya got going on?" Dean pretty much knew the answer to that question but he wanted to keep Cas there with him a little longer, to hear his voice a little more. After all this time, he just wanted a little more of the memory to take home with him.

Cas swallowed down the emotion and cleared his throat.

"Well, I've travelled a bit. I visited Anna in the Caribbean. That was great. I got to meet my niece and nephew. I joined an organization that promotes awareness of organ donation. I'm a spokesperson. I get to visit colleges and talk to other young people about what it means to be on the receiving end of such a gift."

"I know about that," Dean said. "I read a newspaper article where they interviewed you."

Dean didn't add that he'd cut out the article and the attached photograph and stuck it to his refrigerator door. In the photo Cas had been grinning happily. Dean regretted that in the time they'd had together, they never thought to take pictures together. He would have loved to have one of them together. Rachel had given him a framed one of Cas in a suit that currently sat on his bedside table but they should have had one together. So many regrets….

"Cas, you should know that I signed on as an organ donor. Because of your work with that group but also because of Sam. I never wanted to think of him as anything other than whole and alive and maybe in some weird universe inside my head I thought that acknowledging the fact that pieces of him were functioning in others just sort of made him double dead, if you know what I mean."

"I can't explain it right. But I've had quite a few long talks about it with my counselor and with Sammy here and I realized that 1) I wasn't respecting his choices in life and in death by closing my eyes to that truth and 2) it's the most important gift anyone can ever give another person. I am really glad that a part of him lives on in you but I recognize now that moment it was given to you that heart became yours – not his but yours. And I'm really glad it's you. No one deserves such a gift more."

"I don't think my liver will be worth anything but if they can make good with any other part of me, they're welcome to it."

Castiel could feel the burn in his eyes as he fought back from tearing up. He nodded an acknowledgement or a thank you. He wasn't sure.

"I'm sorry," Dean continued. "For everything. I don't expect it to change anything but you have to know, that my days with you were the best ones of my life. I wish you nothing but happiness and love and if I regret anything, it's that I couldn't give that to you."

Dean's eyes were watery now. Castiel was astounded by the long uncharacteristic speech coming from Dean. He knew he was going to break down if he didn't leave soon. He'd thought he'd had his emotions in check but with Dean, there was no moderation.

"Thank you Dean. It means a lot that you've said that."

"I mean it Cas."

Unable to find anymore words or the wherewithal to say them, Cas threw Dean a crooked smile, turned and began to walk away. Dean's heart was breaking all over again but he felt strong and it pleased him that the urge to drown his sorrows was absent. He watched Cas walk away.

Just before he reached the pathway to the exit, Cas turned back to Dean and waved. A flash of gold caught his eye and jolted his heart. As Cas disappeared from view, Dean pulled his hand out from his pocket and looked at the gold band that never left his finger.

He glanced at his brother's grave and smiled, whole heartedly this time.

"He's still wearing my ring Sammy. We're both still wearing our rings."

* * *

**Chapter 17:** Chapter 16 (For realz this time) Leading to alternate ending.

* * *

Dean moved over on the bench to make room for Benny. They were sitting in the park across the street from the construction site where they were working. Benny took out a sandwich from his lunch bag and passed it to Dean. Dean passed him one of the sodas he'd picked up from the onsite vending machine. They sat in companionable silence for a while, just eating and people watching. Dean always looked as if he was searching the passing crowds for a specific face. Benny would lay down some serious cash on his ability to guess who that person was.

"Have you spoken to him Dean?" Benny's voice was soft and melodious with its southern drawl.

Dean shoved whatever was left of the sandwich into his mouth and on the pretext of not being able to speak because his mouth was full, he simply shook his head. That he did not look at Benny when he responded was a clear sign that he was still having trouble coming to terms with recent events.

It had been two months since Dean came back to work after calling in sick for a week. Benny took one look at him and knew that he'd started drinking heavily again. Benny had met Dean just before Sam was killed so he knew what Dean had faced, what he was like during that time. Benny had hoped that those dark days were far behind Dean and when Castiel came into Dean's life, Benny was sure that they had. Dean was happiest being Castiel's husband.

But then the break up happened and Dean was back to tilting dangerously on the edge of an alcohol induced meltdown. It scared Benny to see him this way. Some days Dean would come to work smelling slightly of booze and looking like he'd already gotten started on his daily buzz. Those days Benny didn't get much work done but spent his time watching Dean closely, making sure that there were no mishaps, that Dean did not hurt himself accidentally or even worse, on purpose.

"Dean, buddy, you have to talk to him," Benny almost begged. "Just tell him you're sorry. You told me you're sorry, you need to tell him. He needs to hear it if you guys are going to get back together."

"We're not getting back together Benny." Dean's voice had an unshakeable finality to it.

"Oh yeah?" Benny asked. "Then take off your wedding ring."

Dean muttered a foul word and threw a sharp look at his friend. He hadn't seen or spoken to Cas in almost three months. He couldn't bring himself to face him after the way he acted, the things he said. There could be no forgiveness for that. He wouldn't embarrass Cas by asking for it.

It wasn't easy though. For the first week, he lived almost exclusively in his bedroom behind a locked door, barely coming out to eat or use the bathroom. There were times he'd hear Cas on the other side of the door, asking to talk with him, begging him to come out and face him. His heart shattered into countless pieces the day Cas slipped a note under the bedroom door. It simply read "Please Don't Give Me Up". It took everything Dean had not to rip open the door and wrap himself around Cas. Eventually though Cas gave up on him, screaming at him for being the coward he was.

He was a coward but not in the way Cas thought. Dean was afraid of his own actions and words. He was afraid of what he might do or say to Cas when every time he looked at him, all he could see was Sam lying in a pool blood. If he could separate the two things, maybe he could find a way to be with Cas but he hadn't been able to do that. Even now when he thought of Cas, the intense longing he felt for his husband was tempered by excruciating pain of his brother's murder.

Dean wondered if Sam had died another way if it would have made a difference. If, instead of being cut down in his prime, if Sam had died from natural causes, a prolonged illness, or sudden medical long shot, would it matter that Cas had Sam's heart? If the memory attached to the organ donation was a different one, would he feel less anger? It would hurt no matter what to think of Sam's death, but the senseless violence inflicted on kind, do-gooder Sam just made Dean feel violent himself. He couldn't bring himself to have Cas close to that dark side of him. He didn't want to hurt Cas. He loved him and he certainly wasn't taking off his wedding ring as long as what it stood for remained true.

Watching Dean unconsciously caress the ring with his thumb, Benny snorted.

"Yeah, that's what I thought. Tell it to someone who doesn't know you brother."

Dean shrugged and got up, signaling to Benny that it was time to get back to work. The men made their way back, pausing at the traffic light waiting for the traffic to stop.

It looked almost like a slow motion clip from a movie to Dean….the ball bouncing past his feet, past the curb and into the oncoming traffic… the little girl pushing past him as she followed the ball in hopes of retrieving it…the scream from the mother or caregiver for the girl to stop. From the corner of his eye, he saw Benny turn in the direction of the sound and realized that Benny hadn't seen the little girl.

He didn't think. There was no time. On instinct Dean darted onto the road after the little girl. He could hear Benny shout his name. He could hear the loud blaring of the horns. He could hear the little girl scream as he grabbed and scooped her up. He smiled as he straightened himself because he had her and that's when he saw the pickup truck almost on him. There was just enough time to throw the girl at Benny and pray that he'd catch her. Then time moved in a series of flashes for Dean.

Flash – he felt his upper body slam onto the hood of the travelling vehicle.

Flash – he felt his legs fly up and his butt and lower back crash into the windshield, smashing the glass.

Flash – he felt his body go over the cab of the pickup, the side of his head getting bashed against the back edge of the cab.

Flash – no more feeling, everything went silent.

Flash – there were screaming sirens and people shouting. _Where's Cas?_ He wondered.

Flash – he was on a moving bed, getting a ride in a tunnel of white walls and dull fluorescent lighting.

Flash – he could hear himself screaming but he didn't feel like he was screaming.

Flash – Douche bag doctor was there, talking to him. Douche bag doctor was holding his hand and telling him stuff. It sounded important but his brain wasn't working well. "Don't tell Cas. Love him too much" he screamed at Michael but it sounded like a whisper. He wasn't sure Michael had heard so he tried again. He didn't want Cas to worry about him. Again it sounded like a whisper so Dean tried again and again until Michael acknowledged the request with a grim nod. Then feeling his consciousness ebb, he had one last message. "Don't let me die." And everything went to black.

Dean woke up in a haze of pain several times before he had the strength to stay awake. He was surprised to find Dr. Michael Novak sitting in a chair next to his hospital bed, studying him intently.

"Welcome back Dean. You had me worried for a bit." Michael stood up and walked over to Dean, checking the medical equipment that surrounded him

"No…don't try to talk," he said when he saw Dean was trying to communicate. "I'll fill you in. You were in an accident. Do you remember the accident?"

Dean nodded slowly.

"Good. That's a very good sign. Well that was two days ago. You sustained three broken ribs and a broken femur – that's your thigh bone. Now that by itself would be enough for anyone but you my dear fellow, you don't do anything in half measures, do you? Your broken ribs punctured your lungs in several places as you rolled around and over the vehicle. You required surgery which is where I came in. You'll be fine but recovery will take a couple months. I know you have questions but we can save them for tomorrow. I'll come by as often as I can."

Douchebag doctor saved his life. Douchebag doctor was being kind to him when Dean had been such an ass to him. What was it with these Novaks and their kindness? Cas, Rachel and now even Michael?

"Cas?" Dean's voice was weak and strained.

Michael frowned but answered Dean.

"You asked me not to tell him and even though I feel he should know, I did not contact him. He'll find out eventually though. You're being hailed as a hero. You saved that little girl. The newspaper people came by this morning; they don't have your identity yet but they will find out soon."

"You're lucky though if you're still determined to keep this from my brother."

Dean looked at Michael questioningly.

"Castiel left to visit Anna and her family this morning. He'll be out of the country for a month."

Michael leaned closer to Dean looking almost menacing.

"Do not ask me to lie to my family ever again. Not even by omission. It was incredibly hard to not say anything to Castiel before he left and you of all persons should recognize that nothing good comes from hiding the truth. Are we clear here?"

Dean nodded. Michael returned the nod and pulling out a syringe from his pocket, he injected the contents into Dean's IV.

"I've given you something to help you sleep. You're probably feeling the effects of it already."

Dean could feel himself slipping into the beckoning darkness. He tried to nod but couldn't make his muscles work. He tried again but failed. He felt Michael brush his hair back almost tenderly.

"Sleep Dean," whispered Michael. "I'll watch over you."

* * *

**Chapter 18:**

* * *

The friendship that grew between Dean Winchester and Michael Novak during the days of Dean's recovery and rehab surprised a lot of people but none more so than those two men themselves. Michael was not Dean's official doctor but he had taken an interest in his care because of their connection through Castiel. He checked up on Dean several times during his very long work days and found that he enjoyed the younger man's sarcastic wit and sense of humour.

His staff was surprised that Dr. Novak began to actually take breaks and he'd begun to smile around the office instead of always looking grim and intimidating. They soon figured out that all his breaks were spent at Dean's bedside, the two men talking and getting to know each other. When Dr. Novak arranged for Dean to be moved from the general ward area to a private room at his own cost, a few eyebrows were raised but no one said anything. Dr. Novak seemed happier and when Dr. Novak was happier, pretty much all the staff at the hospital were happier.

Dean, for his part, wrestled with his conflicting emotions when it came to Michael. He was very aware that he owed his life to Michael and while he did not know that the private room with telephone and television he was enjoying at no charge was because of Michael, he did know that at some point during their many interactions, he began to look forward to Michael's visits. He had other visitors. Benny and his family, a few of the guys from the site and the family of the little girl he saved all came by at different points to see him. Even Rachel came by every other day once Michael convinced him to tell her. But Michael was consistent in his visits and in his treatment of Dean. There was no softness for the injured "hero". Dean to Michael was simply "Dean". That's how Dean liked it. It surprised him that he was enjoying spending time with Michael to the point that lying in his hospital bed, listening to the footfalls of the people passing by, he was able to identify which footsteps were Michael's. There were nights that recognition worried him.

The turning point came perhaps about two weeks after the accident. Dean woke up one evening to find Michael sitting in a chair at his bedside, reviewing patient files.

"They kick you out of your fancy office Doc?" he asked.

Michael looked up at Dean and then put his files aside and got up to stand next to Dean's bed.

"No, but reading there or reading here yield the same results and I thought you might like some company."

"Did you?" Dean responded.

Michael sighed.

"Actually no. I wanted to talk with you and I've put it off long enough."

Dean wondered for a second if there was bad news to come; perhaps some failure within his body that he hadn't previously known of. He didn't invite or encourage what he was sure would be not welcomed but waited in silence for Michael to continue.

"You may want to get your phone out and record this because it will probably never happen again," Michael quipped. "I owe you an apology."

"Wait. Was that humour, Doc?" Dean smiled.

"I am apologizing and you're focussed on humour?"

Dean laughed at that. There were many similarities between Michael and Castiel and in as much as he missed his husband, he enjoyed the likeness between the brothers.

"This is about Sam," Michael said.

That sobered Dean immediately.

"I won't apologize for following Sam's wishes with regards to organ donation and I won't apologize for doing my job as efficiently as I could." Michael took a breath before continuing. "But given the circumstances involved, I will apologize for not being more considerate of what you must have been going through. I have always thought that having a singular focus made me a better doctor and that was the biggest priority. This …this thing with you and my brother…well you've taught me that in order to be a better doctor, I have to be a better man."

"So I'm sorry. " Michael's face was as stoic as ever but Dean was getting better at reading Michael Novak so he could see what it cost him to say the words and the sincerity behind them.

If Dean hadn't been already on his back, Michael's apology would have knocked him flat. He'd disliked Michael for so very long, it was almost an ingrained habit but now that he had gotten to know him better, now that he understood Michael's level of dedication to his job and even more importantly, the lengths he would go through for his younger brother, Dean's perspective on what transpired between them the night of Sam's death had begun to change. Dean would have done nothing differently if it had been him trying to save his little brother. In fact, Dean thought he'd probably have killed someone himself in order to get a heart for Sam if it meant saving his life. That Michael, who had people under his knife and at death's door actively worked to save those people as opposed to taking what his brother needed…well he could recognize that the doctor was a better man than he.

Something else he recognized was that he had some apologizing of his own to do.

"Thanks man," Dean began. "I…um...well, thanks."

He thought about what he wanted to say to Michael for a minute while the older man just watched him intently.

"Michael, I need to apologize to you as well. I shouldn't have punched you. I was not coping well and I guess…I guess I was as much of an ass as you were. So how about we call it even and forget about it?"

Michael nodded his assent to Dean but continue to look at him intently. It began to make Dean feel uncomfortable.

"What?" he asked.

"Your methods of coping, which you readily admit were not the best, are the second part of what I'd like to talk with you about." Michael was as direct as he could be but he could see he still confused Dean.

He tried again.

"Your drinking. We need to discuss your drinking."

Dean felt his body tense in a defensive gesture and he stared stonily right back at Michael.

"Dean," Michael's voice was kind. "The driver who hit you apparently had ample time to stop his vehicle. There should have been no injury inflicted. The police however have identified that he was driving under the influence and have charged him accordingly. That little girl could have been killed if it wasn't for you. She also could have been killed if you were behind the wheel."

"That's not fair," Dean interrupted. "Our situations are completely different. You can't compare me to that guy. I don't drive drunk."

"He wasn't drunk." Michael sighed, willing Dean to understand. "He'd had just enough that he was slightly tipsy and not paying attention."

"Can you tell me Dean, you've never gotten into a car after having more than what can be considered social. And please remember it's not social drinking if you're drinking by yourself."

Dean stayed silent, his face set in an angry visage.

"There is a group that meets here at the hospital. If you're willing I'd like for both of us to attend a couple sessions. I can arrange for a wheelchair and I can wheel you down. I'd stay with you and if you're really good, I'll take you to the cafeteria for ice-cream."

That last bit made Dean smile.

"You trying to bribe me Doc?"

"I wouldn't call it a bribe," Michael smiled back. "I prefer to think of it as an incentive to sweeten the negotiations."

"Incentive, huh? What else you willing to offer me?" Negotiating was something Dean was good at. He was beginning to feel comfortable again.

"Well, I'll let you use my iPad as long as you promise not to visit porn sites on my hospital internet account."

"Deal." Dean smiled. He was _so_ going to visit porn sites on Michaels hospital account.

Michael smiled back and the men shook on it. He sat back on the chair and resumed reading files, while Dean quizzed him on the weirdest cases he's had to deal with.

Michael answered without taking his eyes from the file he was reading and as Dean studied him, he had to admit that Cas's older brother was very good looking. He wondered why he'd never married or if he had a life outside the hospital. From the amount of time Michael spent with him, Dean would have to guess "no". Dean wouldn't complain though. The time Michael spent with him kept him sane and stable much like Cas did when he first met him.

Dean missed Cas so much. He still ached for him. He was grateful for Cas's family though. And though he never thought he'd say it, he was grateful for Michael.

Dean wondered where his husband was and what he was doing.

.

Castiel lay on his lounger on the beach in Barbados and slid his wedding ring off his finger and held it up against the sky so that it outlined the moon. Once he thought he'd had the moon and the stars when he was with Dean. Now he was so lonely all the time. He missed being in a relationship. He missed the pleasure of sharing yourself with someone. He missed Dean.

Since coming to visit his sister, he'd received many invitations from men and women to have fun together. The fact that he wore a wedding ring did not seem to matter to some people. He tried to explain to Anna why he was still wearing it but she kept insisting that his marriage was over and he needed to move on. She'd been actively encouraging to accept some of those offers.

"Just see where it takes you Castiel," she'd pleaded. "If you and Dean are meant to be together, you will be. If not, don't shut yourself off from the rest of the world pining for what can't be. You're young Castiel. You have a whole life ahead you waiting for you to live it. So live it already!"

Cas squeezed his fingers around the ring into a tight fist. For a split second the thought about how liberating it might feel to fling it far into the ocean crossed his mind. That was followed by guilt for even thinking such a thing. He uncurled his fist and looked at the ring in his palm.

He curled his hand back into a fist and kissed his fist before taking the ring and sliding it back on his finger.

Cas wondered where his husband was and what he was doing.

* * *

**Chapter 19:**  

* * *

Dean woke up, looked at the ceiling fan overhead and smiled. It was good to be back in his own bed, in his own home. As lonely as it was by himself, after a month in the hospital, that tiny apartment was his little piece of paradise.

He turned a little and groaned. Although the heavy duty stuff had come off, his chest was still taped tightly. His leg cast had come off and he used a cane but he was mobile which made up for all the aches and pain. He had physiotherapy three times a week but he was doing well and the sessions would be gradually reduced. Dean was still unable to work for a couple more months but it turned out that the drunk driver who hit him was driving a company vehicle and rather than risk a lawsuit and bad publicity, the company set him up with a nice chunk of change to ease his way. This meant he didn't have to worry about bills while he recuperated and there would be money left over.

Michael suggested he take a trip after his physio was completed; Somewhere hot with sandy beaches, warm ocean waves and plenty of sunshine. Dean was considering it but that wasn't the kind of trip you wanted to take alone. Michael had been a godsend in the days and weeks following the accident. He'd stuck by Dean and seen him through the worst of it. Dean was feeling pretty proud that he was 28 days sober. He wasn't able to access any alcohol while he was at the hospital and while there was some booze waiting for him at home, he'd had the presence of mind to pour his stock down the drain before the urge got too strong. He was going to beat this. He was going to get better on all fronts.

Thirsty, he got out of bed and headed to the kitchen for a glass of water. On his way back, he almost had a heart attack. Sitting in the recliner in the living room was Sam.

Sam smiled at Dean.

"Hey Dean."

Dean closed his eyes, shook his head and then peeked out of one eye.

Sam smiled even wider.

"Fuck," Dean said closing his eyes once more. "I'm not drunk so this is either dream or ghost."

Sam laughed.

"Sit down Jerk," he said to Dean. "Let's talk."

Dean reopened his eyes and looked at Sam once more. He looked good. He looked exactly as he did before he got shot; healthy colour, animated face, over long hair and yes, there it was…his patented bitchface.

"Sit down Dean, I don't have much time."

Dean moved warily to the couch, looking at Sam as if he was expecting sudden movement and was prepping some evasive maneuvers.

"Dude, you're a ghost? Are you going to eat my face?"

Sam rolled his eyes. "Really Dean? That would be zombies. And I wouldn't call me a ghost exactly."

"No? What would you call you?"

Sam seemed to think for a couple seconds before replying, "Sam. I am Sam."

Dean laughed softly.

"Dude, you so just quoted Dr. Seuss."

The bitchface was back.

"If you're Sam," Dean asked, "What, no hug for your grieving bro?"

"Well I'm not sure how this thing works and I don't want to push it. Let's just see how it goes."

Sam paused. "It's good to see you man."

"No Sammy," Dean whispered, "It's good to see you."

There was moment devoid of sound but filled with looks that said more than either man had ever said to each other when Sam was alive. Dean's eyes drifted down to Sam's chest where the bullet had ripped through his lungs leaving a hole large enough that he drowned in his own blood before he'd had the chance to bleed out. The clothes did not show signs of the event.

"Tell me about Castiel," Sam requested.

Dean's eyes flew back up.

"He's got your heart."

"Apparently he's got yours too. Greedy bastard isn't he?"

The guilt that had been Dean's constant companion during his time with Castiel, the one that reminded him that he had no right to happiness when Sam was lying cold in the ground, rose up inside him like bile, making him nauseous.

"You know everything that's gone down?" Dean asked.

Sam nodded. Dean felt relieved. He didn't think he could put into words everything that had happened, everything he did; everything he felt.

"Then you know I fucked it all up. That's what I do…fuck it all up."

"No Dean," Sam responded. "I know that you've had a lot to deal with and you haven't had anyone to help carry that load. I know you made mistakes in how you dealt with it but you're human. Making mistakes is what humans do. Learning from those mistakes is a lot harder and believe me Dean, I know you've learnt from yours."

"I am so proud of you Dean. That's why I am here. The choices you made to turn your life around…you gotta know I'm so damned proud of you. You opened your heart to love. You've stopped drinking. You patched things up with the doctor and you finally get why I became an organ donor. I know you didn't agree with my choice to be a donor but now more than ever I am so glad I did become one. You took care of me all my life. You were more than my brother. You were my father, my teacher and my friend. I had the best life ever because I had you. You made it your mission to make sure I had everything; that I was happy and I did and I was."

The tears started seeping out from the corners of Dean's eyes and emotion had his throat in a painful chokehold.

"Dean, all I ever wanted was for you to find happiness. I wanted for you to find somebody to love, to grow old with, to share your life with. I knew I wasn't going to be around forever. I mean I never thought I'd be dead and so soon, but eventually I would have married, gotten a place of my own, maybe even moved to another city and you'd have been alone. I didn't want that. I never want you to be alone."

Dean was sobbing silently now, his shoulders shaking with force of his emotion. Sam smiled tenderly at him.

"I'm glad Castiel has my heart Dean. I'm glad I had a role in bringing you together. I'm glad he can live and be your love and that he can stay with you when I wouldn't have. It would have been enough that someone gained life out of my death. That's what I signed up for. That the person I helped save is your husband and can give you the happiness and the life I have always wanted for you….well that's just the cosmos granting my every wish and giving me back the only thing worth losing my life over. You have the right to be happy Dean. In fact, I demand it. I won't be at peace until you are. So do us both a favour and go find your man and make things right."

Wiping furiously at eye watery eyes, Dean nodded to his brother.

"I love you Sammy. You're the best kid brother anyone could ever have."

Sam smiled serenely and then rolled his eyes at Dean.

"For fucks sake Dean! It's Sam not Sammy. I'm dead not a baby. Could you just once address me like I've asked a million time? Sam, not Sammy!"

Dean gave a watery giggle. Both brothers looked at each other and broke out laughing, Dean not taking his eyes of Sam for a second.

"You're staring man," Sam said. "It's kinda creepy. We're brothers. Save that for your husband."

Dean sobered in a second.

"I'm afraid if I blink or look away, you'll disappear."

"I'm going to disappear anyway Dean. You holding me here with your gaze is not how this works."

"You don't know that."

Sam got up and walked over to where Dean was sitting. He sat down next to him.

"Dean, I'm going to hug you. When I do, you're going to pass out and I'm going to disappear. When you wake up tomorrow, you'll be in your bed but you'll remember everything about tonight."

"So this is a dream then?" Dean was frowning.

Sam shrugged.

"It's a memory Dean. One last memory of us for you to have. I won't be able to come back again so please remember. Let tonight be the last thing you remember of me and not that scene in Colin's office. This is it bro. Oh, and the heart in Castiel's chest belongs to him. It was my gift to him and to you. Consider it a wedding present. See? Not even death could keep me from attending your marriage. Now only happy thoughts…okay Dean? I love you bro."

"I know," Dean nodded. "I love you man."

Sam wound his overlong arms around Dean who took the chance to memorize the feel of that embrace, to burn it into his brain and his heart. Then there was only peaceful darkness.

.

A few thousand miles away, Castiel dropped his glass of mango-pineapple juice onto the sand as he was drifting off into sleep on that warm Caribbean night. The sound of someone sitting on the lounger next to him roused him. A casual glance in the direction of the newcomer, had him wide awake in a flash as he recognized the man from countless pictures he'd spent months poring over.

"Sam?" he asked shakily.

Sam smiled. "You're welcome for the heart. Happy to see it's doing some good."

"What?" Cas was confused before he recognized the warped Winchester humour. "Oh, sorry. Thank you. For the gift of life. I apologize for the lack of manners. I am unused to having conversations with the deceased."

Sam laughed out loud and Cas couldn't help but think of how much like Dean's it sounded.

"I can see why Dean is taken with you," Sam said still smiling. "Do you love him?"

Though the question surprised Castiel, there was no hesitation in his answer.

"Completely and unconditionally."

Sam smiled. "Good. Now I didn't live a lot of years, but I lived a lot of life. Love is really the only thing that matters. If you love each other, then whatever life you experience can only be sweeter if it's shared with him. Even now, you're experiencing a new country, a new climate, a new culture and it doesn't make you happier or more fulfilled. You miss him. You want to share it with him. You came to my grave once and asked for my blessing. You have it Cas. Love him the very best you can and accept his love."

Sam reached out and pressed a finger to Castiel's chest, right over the heart.

"This yours Cas," he said, "Not mine but yours. I know it. Dean knows it. Now you need to know it. Got that?"

"Yes," Cas replied.

"Good," Sam said. "Now there's just one more thing I need you to do."

Cas frowned. "What's that?"

"Wake up Castiel. It's time to go home."

* * *

**Chapter 20:**

* * *

 Castiel was a little irritated to find his brother's office empty. If there was one thing you could always count on, it was if Michael wasn't in surgery or at home, then he was in his office reviewing patient files or prepping for his next case. Except today he wasn't. Cas sighed. Nothing was going right.

First he and Anna had a big fight when he told her he was returning and that he intended to patch things up with Dean. She didn't understand why he would "tie himself down" as young as he was when there was so much out there to explore and to live.

"You're crazy Castiel," she'd said. "I don't understand what power this guy has over you that you feel like you have to go crawling back to him after the way he's treated you. You've been miserable and you want to go back for more of the same? I don't get it. You have to be crazy."

"I've been miserable without him," Cas had responded. "I'm at my best and my happiest with him. Shouldn't that be what matters? "

"How can you know what matters?" She'd asked. "You haven't gone anywhere, done anything. You spent your formative years in a hospital or trapped inside the house. You've had no friends, no social interactions to help you understand people and society and you haven't have a chance to get to know you. How do you know what Castiel wants, what Castiel feels or thinks?"

"BECAUSE I AM CASTIEL!" He'd shouted.

"I know I like pancakes and looking at bees brings me peace. I know I have an amazing family who have supported and loved me through the most difficult of times. I may not have made a lot of friends but I know what true friendship means. "

"I love him Anna. He loves me. And no matter what this world throws at us, not matter what obstacles we face or how much time we spend apart, that we belong together will never be in question. I made some mistakes and he threw a tantrum. We're human. Now I'm going to go back and I'm going to woo him like he wooed me. I'll start with pie. He likes pie."

Anna had just shaken her head at him. She didn't give up though. She'd badgered him right up until he walked through the Customs gate at the airport. It had been tiring but Cas was firm in his resolve to get his husband back. Then he got home and it got worse.

He knew all along that his mother was keeping in touch with Dean. She'd never kept it a secret but she had stopped talking about Dean when Cas had made it clear that hearing about the husband who didn't seem to want him was too painful. He knew that his mother loved Dean and wanted them reunited, so he'd thought that she'd be excited to fill him in on what's been going on with Dean so he could begin the courtship of his husband.

His mother however was closed lipped and would only tell him that he should probably just talk with Dean. It worried him. Did she know something about Dean that she thought she couldn't say to him? They'd always been very open with each other. He kept trying to pull information out of her. He kept getting stonewalled.

"When did you last speak with Dean?" he'd asked.

"A few days ago," was all she'd said. No additional details. The silence between them filled the space as Rachel's busied herself putting together a sandwich for him.

"How's he doing?" Cas tried again.

"Good. He's doing good."

Cas felt ambivalent about that. He was happy Dean was well but a part of him wanted to hear that Dean had been as miserable as he'd been.

"I'm thinking about stopping by to see him. I'd like for us to try to work out our issues."

There, he'd laid his cards on the table. He'd expected his mother to look up in surprise and perhaps hug him in her happiness that he was willing to keep trying. He knew that she believed in the permanence of marriage and that any couple truly committed to each other could work anything out.

She had in fact looked up at him. There was no overwhelming happiness in her eyes though. There were hints of happiness but mostly she'd looked worried. She'd looked worried for him. He wondered why.

"That's…great son." She'd responded but there was no hug.

"Castiel, you should probably call him first. It may not be a good thing if you just turned up over there."

Cas was confused.

"Why not? What's going on?"

Rachel has smiled but the worried look did not leave her eyes. He knew she was keeping something from him.

"You should talk with Dean, son. Why don't you give him a call?"

His mother would tell him nothing beyond that. He could tell that she wanted to but whatever it was, she obviously felt it was something Dean needed to tell him.

Gabriel was off on a business trip in Europe so he was out of reach but Michael would have been Castiel's first choice for brotherly advice even if Gabriel was available; which is how he found himself sitting in Michael's office wonder where the heck his brother was. The assistant's desk outside Michael's office had also been empty when he came in but he didn't think anything of it because Michael was notoriously difficult to work with and his assistants were always quitting after a couple of weeks. Michael may have been in between assistants at that point.

He was just about to leave when a young woman walked into Michael's office to place some files on the desk. Turning around and seeing Castiel sitting there startled her into gasping out loud.

"Excuse me, can I help you? You're not allowed to be here."

Cas smiled reassuringly at her.

"I'm Castiel Novak. I was just waiting on my brother. You are…?"

She broke out into a grin and the mention of his name.

"Oh, you're Dr. Novak's brother. I've heard so much about you." She extended her hand. "I'm Ava Wilson, his assistant.

"Lovely to meet you," Cas responded as he accepted the offered hand and shook it. "Would you know where my brother is by any chance?"

Ava smiled conspiratorially as she said, "Oh he's off having lunch with his boyfriend."

_Boyfriend? Michael had a boyfriend? Michael was gay? Or bisexual?_ Castiel was floored. He wasn't sure what astounded him more, that his brother had a boyfriend or that he was actually in a relationship. Michael wasn't much for relationships.

"His boyfriend?" Cas repeated.

"Well they haven't made an official announcement," she answered, "but it's common knowledge around the hospital. They've been seeing each other daily and your brother has made some pretty significant changes since they got together. He's smiling more, he's actually living life outside the hospital and he's quite pleasant to work with. He's been happier with this guy and all the nurses have been happier since he's been happier."

Cas smiled, happy for his brother. If anyone deserved happiness, Michael did. It must be early days yet. Cas couldn't wait to tease Michael and to meet this guy.

"They should be in the cafeteria," Ava continued, "if you'd like to go meet them. Or if you prefer, Dr. Novak should be back here in about 30 minutes or so. You can come back then."

"Thank you. I'll check the cafeteria."

Cas turned to leave when Ava called after him, "Tell Dean I said hello."

He stopped in his tracks. That had to be a coincidence right? _Dean?_ He thought.

"Dean?" he said.

"Yes. Dean Winchester of the gorgeous green eyes. All the nurses agree that your brother has excellent taste."

Without responding to her, Cas turned and walked away. Dean Winchester? His husband? His brother was dating his husband? No he thought. It had to be a misunderstanding. Then flashes of his mother's refusal to divulge information about Dean and her discomfort when Cas asked about him, came to his mind. Was this what his mother was keeping from him? Did she know but couldn't bring herself to tell him? Did she approve of this?

Castiel's heart hurt. He wanted to crawl under a blanket and cry. But then he remembered just how good the love he shared with Dean was and he shook it off. He had to find out. He made his way to the cafeteria and paused in the entryway looking for his brother.

Sure enough, he found Michael sharing a table with Dean, the two of them laugh over something one of them had said. Dean reached over and place his hand on Michael's arm just above the wrist. It was a gesture that said the two men were close. He hesitatingly walked over to the table and stopped. Both men looked up and their faces lit up with surprise. They spoke at the same time.

"Castiel." "Hey Cas."

Michael hugged him warmly. Dean looked as if he wanted to hug him as well but he did not get up.

"What's going on?" asked Cas. "I thought you hated each other?"

Michael looked away for a second as if he was hiding something Cas might see in his eyes.

"Nah Cas," Dean replied. "Once I got my head outta my ass, I realized I was wrong about Michael. He's been pretty great. The last month has made me see things differently."

"So you two are..?" Cas couldn't finish the question.

The men looked at each other and smiled. Castiel thought _So this is what jealousy feel like_. He couldn't believe they'd do this to him.

"Are you pleased?" Michael asked. "I don't think Dean and I ever thought we'd find common ground."

"But we did," Dean added eagerly.

Castiel felt his whole world fall apart. It must have showed on his face because Dean got up slowly, looking at him carefully.

"You okay Cas?" Dean asked.

His blood racing with hurt and fury, Cas punched Dean hard in the stomach. The blow grazed Dean's still healing rib and pain shot through him.

"Castiel!" Michael shouted.

Cas watched as his brother rushed to Dean's side and held him tenderly. Michael wrapped his arm around Dean to support him and help him stand.

"Are you ok?" Michael asked Dean and for a second Castiel felt as if he wasn't even there. They certainly didn't seem to recognize his presence. He turned and stormed out of the cafeteria.

"Cas! Cas come back!"

He could hear Dean shouting after him but he didn't turn back and he didn't stop walking away.

* * *

**Chapter 21:**  

* * *

As he made his way to his brother's grave, Dean could see the curled up body of a man huddled against the headstone. He'd spent all afternoon looking for Castiel. He'd contacted Rachael. He'd checked his apartment on the off chance that Cas had gone there. He'd visited the libraries, museum and even checked out the local beekeepers because he knew watching bees soothed Cas. Eventually, when he'd run out of possible places to find Cas, he'd decided to visit Sam. Talking with Sam always cleared his head. It should have surprised him to find Cas there but it didn't really. Perhaps he knew Cas would be here on a subconscious level.

He didn't understand Cas's behavior. And he needed to. Dean was very aware that he'd been a supreme jackass in the way that he handled the heart transplant issue and he could get Cas being upset over that. But resorting to physical violence was just not Cas's style. There had to be something he was missing and after everything they'd been through he had to fix it.

No more running from his problems or hiding at the bottom of a bottle of Jack Daniels. He owed so much more to Sam and Castiel deserved so much better. Dean may not be the better that Cas deserved but he was damn well gonna do everything he could to become it.

Cas heard his approach and looked up. Their eyes met and locked on each other as Dean continued to slowly make his way towards him. He noticed the cane and the slight limp right away. He wondered why Dean needed one and just how much pain Dean might have been in at that moment. A part of him wanted to run to Dean to offer support. He knew that Dean would not appreciate it though. His pride wouldn't let him so Cas stayed put and waited for Dean to come to him.

"Well Sam," he whispered to the grave, "I feel like we've come full circle. The three of us here, back where we started. I have no idea what happens next but I'm glad you're in on it."

He felt a gentle wind brush his shoulders and even if others may brush it off as just a coincidence, he was certain it was Sam reassuring him that everything was going to be okay.

Dean sat on the ground next to Castiel and he could see the tear tracks staining his cheeks, the redness of his eyes and the worry within them. With the hand wearing the wedding band, he reached across with and took Cas's hand, the one which still also wore his wedding band and twined their fingers together. Looking at both their hands and the symbols of their commitment to each other, Dean felt the heaviness of his heart ease a little.

"You're not going to punch me again are you?" he asked.

Cas who'd also been looking at their joined hands, lifted his eyes to meet Dean's. He shook his head slowly.

"You gonna tell me about why you punched me? I may have had it coming but I just want to be sure I know what it was for." Dean squeezed Cas's hand.

Cas's eyes began to tear up again. He looked away. He took a couple deep breaths before beginning.

"You didn't want me anymore. You kicked me out."

"I always want you Cas," Dean interrupted. "Always. I did however kick you out. I was an idiot. You know this. I was having a bad time and instead of holding on to the one good thing in my life, I threw you away. I know that now. I see a therapist now and he's helping me work through a few things…like my drinking, my temper and my grief. I'm not better but I'm getting there. But that's not why you punched me. If it was, you'd have punched me months ago."

Cas couldn't believe the words coming out of Dean's mouth. His Dean was a stubborn Dean. Was this Michael's influence on him?

"This therapist thing….is this…is this because of Michael?" Cas's voice was shaky with emotion

Dean nodded and Cas felt his heart crack a little.

"It was at first. When he brought it up, I wasn't sure about it but I'm glad he did. At first I may have gone because he dragged my ass there but now I go for me. There are things I need to deal with for me."

"Is Michael good to you?"

Dean thought the question was odd but he answered anyway.

"Yes Cas. Your brother is an amazing person. I can't believe that he and Gabe share the same genetic material but he's a good man – a better man than I am – and he's been incredibly good to me."

A tear slipped out of Cas's eye and trailed down the side of his face. Cas was conflicted. He loved Dean so much and wanted a life with him. But being with him was painful for Dean. Being with Michael seemed to be healing him though. Was he strong enough to give Dean up? Could he walk away from Dean if it meant Dean had a chance at being emotionally healthy and happy? He loved both Dean and Michael. If his unhappiness meant the two men who meant the most to him could find happiness, then he didn't really have a choice did he?

He shivered as realization hit him. He didn't have a choice.

He lifted their joined hands, and taking Dean's hand in both of his, he turned it over and pressed a kiss into its palm. Then looking into Dean's eyes, he began to slide the wedding band off of Dean's finger.

Dean panicked when he realized what Cas was doing. What did it mean? Was Cas done with him for good then? No. He promised to wear that ring for as long as he was loyal and committed to Cas. That hadn't changed. He stopped Cas before the ring left his finger completely.

"What are you doing Cas?" he asked, gently lowering their hands.

"Dean, I'm releasing you from our commitment to each other. I'm freeing you of this marriage."

"What?" Dean couldn't believe his ears. "Cas, no."

Castiel shook his head. He figured Dean was resisting out of his overgrown sense of loyalty. Perhaps he felt that because he knew Cas first and Cas was back, he couldn't be free to be with Michael any longer.

"Dean, I love you enough to want you to be happy and to want what's best with you. That's why we need to do this. Until we officially end this, you won't be able to date Michael with a clear conscience. You deserve happiness Dean and if Michael makes you happy, then you should be with him."

Dean thought Castiel had lost his mind. _What the fuck is he talking about_ he thought.

"What the fuck are you talking about?" he asked.

Castiel looked at him blankly as if he wasn't sure what Dean meant. _No, no_ , Dean thought. _You don't get to be confused. You're confusing me._

"What are you talking about Cas?" Dean asked. "Date Michael? Why would I want to date Michael. Dude is cool and all but he's so not my type. Besides, the only man I've ever been interested in is you. So why the hell would you be dumping me to shove me on your brother?"

Cas was truly confused at this point.

"You're not dating Michael?" He tilted his head to the side and peered into Dean as if Dean's eyes would give him answers.

Dean scoffed.

"Dating Michael? What the hell Cas? Why would you even think that? I'm still married to you for God's sake!"

"Dean, Michael's assistant told me you and Michael are boyfriends. She said that you see each other every day and the he spends every free minute with you. She said he's happy with you. Are you saying this isn't true?"

Dean shook his head. Whether it was a gesture of frustration or an answer to the question, Cas wasn't sure.

"What?" Dean exclaimed. "That bitch should mind her own business. Boyfriends? I'M A MARRIED MAN! What the hell is wrong with her?"

Dean took a deep breath, counted to ten and then continued in a calmer voice.

"Cas, you noticed the cane? I was in an accident a while back. Got hit by a car and got dinged up pretty bad. Needed some of Michaels needle work"

"What? Why didn't he tell me?" Cas couldn't believe his brother would keep something like this from him.

"Please don't be mad with him," Dean pleaded. "I made him promise not to. I wouldn't accept treatment until he promised."

"Dean why? I'm your husband." Cas was angry now. If Michael was called in, it would have meant Dean's life was at risk.

Dean squeezed Cas's hand again.

"Cas, it was pride. I'm sorry. If the situation was reversed, I'd have killed anyone who tried to keep me from you. I see that now but my head was messed up then. I promise not to keep anything from you ever again. I swear. Michael not only stitched me up but he kicked some sense into my head as well. I was trapped in that bed for weeks and he came every day, more than once a day. And he kept repeating the same spiel over and over until I couldn't block it out. He's been helping me but I swear Cas. We're only friends. Well friends plus he's my new favourite brother in law."

Cas leaned forward and hugged Dean, winding his arms around the man's neck. Dean pressed his cheek against Cas's hair and returned the hug. They held each other for a while, before Cas pulled back.

"My mother knew?"

"Only a couple weeks after it happened. Your brother threatened to take away my TV privileges unless I told her."

Cas smiled. That explained her vagueness then.

"Dean," he began, "I love you. You are my husband and the other half of me. Please do not send me away again. I won't go. I will fight everyone and everything, including you, to protect our love. I've been miserable without you. I'm back and it's time we start building that future you promised me. Please, please say you're ready to do this.

Dean cupped Cas's face tenderly and slowly broke into a blinding grin.

"I am so ready Cas. Given what it's taken to bring us together, I absolutely believe we are destined to be together. You're it for me man. There can be no one after you. Who could possibly match up? I love you and if you're willing to stick with me as I work through my issues, I promise to never ever be fool enough to close the door on us."

He leaned in and kissed Cas tenderly. It had been so long since he felt that chapped softness press against his mouth, Dean could only think of one word. Home.

Cas returned the kiss with the pent up passion of young angst, leaning into Dean until he somehow found himself on Dean's lap. When they came up for air they were both smiling widely. Cas pressed his forehead against Dean's.

"Take me home," he whispered.

Dean nodded and they said their goodbyes to Sam before making their way hand in hand out of the cemetery.

Some ways off, a young couple stood unnoticed under the shade of a tree watching them.

"Thank you Tessa," Sam said softly, "Thank you for letting me see them one last time like this."

Tessa smiled, "As if I could say no to that face and those eyes. Don't ask me again Sam. We're going to be in enough trouble as it is. Reapers aren't supposed to do this. Ready to go face the music?"

Sam watched as his brother and brother in law disappeared from view. He nodded. Tessa took his hand and then there was nothing a few leaves bowing in the wind where they had been standing.

.

The end

 


End file.
